Mortality... What can I do?

Alabamacoastie

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Hi friends,

I'm 37, happily married, with two perfect kids...

My mom and dad are divorced.

My dad's 75, healthy, but constantly aging, as humans are prone to do. He's married to a 45yo woman. He's in good shape for his age.

My mom's 70, her recent husband recently died of natural causes, and she has recently been in the hospital with kidney stones. (She almost died out of nowhere. )

I love both my parents and have a great relationship with both of them.

Can you all recommend anything that I can do to help get them ready for the inevitable?

They both know that shit's gonna go down. I just want to love them and hold there hands as much as possible, through the upcoming trials.

I'd appreciate hearing any of your personal stories.

Sorry for the horrible question. Just trying to look ahead as best as possible.
 
Find a good attorney.
Have them write wills that get notarized and get a copies of them.

Set up powers of attorney for financial and medical decisions as applicable.

Document all financial accounts for easy management after the inevitable.

If they’re concerned about fighting spouses, kids, newly found relatives, define who gets what in will or trust.

Document valuables etc to avoid things getting disappeared by those newly found relatives or old relatives. It happens - stupid things that people fight over.
 
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Make sure they have some sort of burial insurance. My dads had expired and two of my brothers and I had to pay 3500 apiece to cover the cost of the burial expenses.
 
Hi friends,

I'm 37, happily married, with two perfect kids...

My mom and dad are divorced.

My dad's 75, healthy, but constantly aging, as humans are prone to do. He's married to a 45yo woman. He's in good shape for his age.

My mom's 70, her recent husband recently died of natural causes, and she has recently been in the hospital with kidney stones. (She almost died out of nowhere. )

I love both my parents and have a great relationship with both of them.

Can you all recommend anything that I can do to help get them ready for the inevitable?

They both know that shit's gonna go down. I just want to love them and hold there hands as much as possible, through the upcoming trials.

I'd appreciate hearing any of your personal stories.

Sorry for the horrible question. Just trying to look ahead as best as possible.
This isn't really an exact answer to your question, but I say: get your issues sorted out! Mom and I had 15 years when I moved here to take care of her, and we got a lot accomplished in that time, healed all sorts of big and small hurts.

I know you have good relationships with them, but if there's anything at all that needs airing, now is the time. I didn't get to do that with Dad, but Mom and I cleared the decks before she went....it was awesome. LOL.
 
Make sure they have some sort of burial insurance. My dads had expired and two of my brothers and I had to pay 3500 apiece to cover the cost of the burial expenses.
Sorry brother... Thank you for the advice...
 
This isn't really an exact answer to your question, but I say: get your issues sorted out! Mom and I had 15 years when I moved here to take care of her, and we got a lot accomplished in that time, healed all sorts of big and small hurts.

I know you have good relationships with them, but if there's anything at all that needs airing, now is the time. I didn't get to do that with Dad, but Mom and I cleared the decks before she went....it was awesome. LOL.
Thank you Millie. I'm sorry you missed out on that closure with your dad. But, I appreciate your advice.
 
I have two different freinds currently with parents with Cancer . One is pancreatic cancer, the other is thyroid. The freind with the parent with pancreatic cancer just took her father to the hospice home. My girlfreind just had a talk to her parents, and got on all of their bank accounts, etc.

I had a conversation with my mother last night, sort of breached the subject by saying..... Im 48, and a lot of my freinds are going through things with their parents. I want to make sure when things happen, we are prepared. And I made it clear prefacing that I dont think anything is happening in the near future, but I am someone who is usually prepared.

She agreed . I guess that is the first step. He's 75, her 70, so still young enough that it is just "good planning" vs. nothing "looming". My mom is 79. For reference. A good attorney and POA, and Living will is certianly a good idea.
 
What Jeff said...organize the affairs.

On a personal note, when my step dad was bedridden, I used to go sit in his room and read the forum joke threads to him.
I would turn on Fox News and vocally fix the worlds problems.
We would put him in his wheelchair, wrap him in blankets, and roll him out on the deck when we had fire pit nights.
I got grunts as responses and he smile soooo much watching us at the firepit.
Just be there.
 
Be kinder than you think necessary.

Prepare financially, legally and spiritually.

The latter cannot be appropriately done half-assed either!

Good luck, you are NOT the first to ponder such an evolution.
 
What Jeff said...organize the affairs.

On a personal note, when my step dad was bedridden, I used to go sit in his room and read the forum joke threads to him.
I would turn on Fox News and vocally fix the worlds problems.
We would put him in his wheelchair, wrap him in blankets, and roll him out on the deck when we had fire pit nights.
I got grunts as responses and he smile soooo much watching us at the firepit.
Just be there.
I love you brother. Thank you.
 
Get affairs/ paperwork in order now. Be there for them. Help them. Have patience and show compassion. Been almost a year and a half since I lost my dad and it feels like yesterday. If it had t been for a handful of people ( couple of them from here), I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together like I did right before the time came. If I had known the last words I said to my dad were going to be the last, I would’ve said many many more
 
if there's anything at all that needs airing, now is the time. I didn't get to do that with Dad
Can't agree with this enough, my dad and I were barely speaking at the time of his death. So much alike that neither would give give in first to end the argument.
And strangely enough the argument was over my dad and mom struggling to manage their finances, without infusions of cash from me, and their refusal to let me be more involved in managing their money. Airing it all out here A.C. it can become quite a mess if they feel theyre losing their independence
 
Make sure they have some sort of burial insurance. My dads had expired and two of my brothers and I had to pay 3500 apiece to cover the cost of the burial expenses.
Can't quote this enough. It is expensive to die. When my mom passed this past September, she had nothing, and it all fell on my shoulders. Luckily I had it, but man, it put a dent in the ole bank account. Also, take some pics, and videos. I would do anything to hear my mom's voice again right now.

Sent from my LM-Q710.FG using Tapatalk
 
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Get affairs/ paperwork in order now. Be there for them. Help them. Have patience and show compassion. Been almost a year and a half since I lost my dad and it feels like yesterday. If it had t been for a handful of people ( couple of them from here), I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together like I did right before the time came. If I had known the last words I said to my dad were going to be the last, I would’ve said many many more
Thank you Burt. Sorry brother.
 
You are in the same situation as most of us. It is hard to realize that your parents are getting older and the inevitability of their passing is drawing nearer. I am my 88 year old Grandmother's POA and caregiver and I see her change almost daily. Luckily she is well enough to still live on her own with daily visits sufficing for now.

Based on my experience with my Grandmother and my deceased Father, I would do what it took to make sure they have burial insurance, pre planned funerals, and that their wills are in place with a clearly defined POA. This will make the end of life less hectic and allow you the time to enjoy their last days without having to worry about making plans.

As a nurse, one of the things I see happening is that family members recognize too late that the end is coming. Families tend to either ignore or dismiss what is being said by healthcare professionals and continue to believe that sick family members are healthier than they really are. This causes families to not seek help from resources like Palliative Care and Hospice which could help increase the quality of life of a sick family member in their last days. It is difficult to be objective about the actual condition of loved ones but it is important to do so if you want the best outcomes for them.
 
Be prepared for resistance from them too. Parents not wanting to give up control of their assets, or medical choices, or facing that there is an end to the journey. Parents can be hard headed.
 
I would do anything to hear my mom's voice again right now.
As Mom got worse thru the last year, I recorded her conversations with family and friends who would stop by. (Mom's mind was sharp till the last 2 days, when they had her sedated.)

I haven't been able to listen to many of them yet, though she died in 2013. I will someday, and then hand them over to my nieces. Mom had stories to tell, 93 years of them!
 
I didn't read the thread so apologies if this has been said: Get your own affairs in order first. Get a will etc etc etc and then have a conversation with the parents about what you and your wife did and why you did it.
 
LIVING Will....not the Will where “things” are addressed, make sure they have a LIVING WILL that clearly defines what THEY want for end of life care.

Do they want to be full code, all measures life support to eek out every last second on earth...or are they more concerned with quality of those last days and will trade “more” days for “better” days? Either is a valid choice, but make it THEIR choice so YOU aren’t faced with making the call while narcissistic docs are telling you that heart surgery on a 97 year old is a good idea...

Palliative Care specialists or even the family doc can help get that ball rolling.
 
Be prepared for resistance from them too. Parents not wanting to give up control of their assets, or medical choices, or facing that there is an end to the journey. Parents can be hard headed.


Not all of them. My dad died out of the blue at 55. Totally unexpected. Mom lived into her 80's. She worked for an attorney and had all her affairs in order. She transferred the house to me and my brother long enuff ahead of time that had she needed to go into a home the state couldn't touch it. She did go into one but only lived for a month. You shoulda seen the guys face at Duke when we were getting her transferred back home when he found out the house belonged to us and it had for a long time.

Her funeral arrangements were made and paid for. All we had to do was show up. She really made it easy for us.


To answer you question coastie talk to them. Tell them you love them. Let them know how you feel before it is too late. Find out how they feel if you don't already know( I hope you already know). Heal any old wounds if you can. Create some new memories with them while there is still time. In short just love them and the time you have left with them.
 
As Mom got worse thru the last year, I recorded her conversations with family and friends who would stop by. (Mom's mind was sharp till the last 2 days, when they had her sedated.)

I haven't been able to listen to many of them yet, though she died in 2013. I will someday, and then hand them over to my nieces. Mom had stories to tell, 93 years of them!

I have videos on my phone of my son and five years later, I still can't bring myself to watch them. I'm ok looking at pictures of him, but I'm not ready to see him moving or hear his voice.
 
I would recommend a Living Trust over a Living Will. Makes things much easier when it is time to execute it.
 
I have videos on my phone of my son and five years later, I still can't bring myself to watch them. I'm ok looking at pictures of him, but I'm not ready to see him moving or hear his voice.
Yep, I totally get it.
Sorry for your loss.
 
Hi friends,

I'm 37, happily married, with two perfect kids...

My mom and dad are divorced.

My dad's 75, healthy, but constantly aging, as humans are prone to do. He's married to a 45yo woman. He's in good shape for his age.

My mom's 70, her recent husband recently died of natural causes, and she has recently been in the hospital with kidney stones. (She almost died out of nowhere. )

I love both my parents and have a great relationship with both of them.

Can you all recommend anything that I can do to help get them ready for the inevitable?

They both know that shit's gonna go down. I just want to love them and hold there hands as much as possible, through the upcoming trials.

I'd appreciate hearing any of your personal stories.

Sorry for the horrible question. Just trying to look ahead as best as possible.
Fill out a will, have it notarized, keep the original thr copies are not any good.
Get a power of attorney, it helps a lot while they are alive but they are not any good after they pass. Help finish up any debts, they all add up.

Most of all, just be there for them, you'll be thankfullnyou did in the end
 
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Besides getting financial affairs in order, make wills and trusts, the usual stuff, I recommend this book:

https://store.nolo.com/products/8-ways-to-avoid-probate-prav.html

Lawyers, bless their little hearts, won't always want you to avoid probate. The reasons should be obvious. To me, probate is a costly process, and imposes unneeded delays.

Get all this taken care of first, and then you can spend your time focusing on your folks.

I recommend asking lots of questions. Your folks are divorced, but family history might mean a lot to you later. My mom passed away more unexpectedly than my dad. I got to spend more time with dad, and talked a lot about his childhood and early adulthood. Asking questions can help establish a connection to each side of the family, and will show you care about who your folks really are.

By the way, my mom grew up 1/2 block from where she and my dad both lived from 1962 until they passed, so I knew a lot more about her side of the family. I spent lots of time with her parents, who died in 1962 and 1967, and five of her seven siblings. My dad was a carpetbagger, ex-101st, and his folks were north of Pittsburgh.
 
Make sure they have some sort of burial insurance. My dads had expired and two of my brothers and I had to pay 3500 apiece to cover the cost of the burial expenses.

I would go further and suggest a pre-paid funeral, or if that is not financially feasible a firm understanding of who goes where/next to whom. That is exceptionally stressful on you, and having that arranged in advance saves you from decision making at a time you won’t feel like making it.
 
Find a good attorney.
Have them write wills that get notarized and get a copies of them.

Set up powers of attorney for financial and medical decisions as applicable.

Document all financial accounts for easy management after the inevitable.

If they’re concerned about fighting spouses, kids, newly found relatives, define who gets what in will or trust.
E
Document valuables etc to avoid things getting disappeared by those newly found relatives or old relatives. It happens - stupid things that people fight over.

^this^ and once all that paperwork is done, then live, love and enjoy them and the time you have left with them. It will be over sadly all too soon.
 
Not all of them. My dad died out of the blue at 55. Totally unexpected. Mom lived into her 80's. She worked for an attorney and had all her affairs in order. She transferred the house to me and my brother long enuff ahead of time that had she needed to go into a home the state couldn't touch it. She did go into one but only lived for a month. You shoulda seen the guys face at Duke when we were getting her transferred back home when he found out the house belonged to us and it had for a long time.

Her funeral arrangements were made and paid for. All we had to do was show up. She really made it easy for us.


To answer you question coastie talk to them. Tell them you love them. Let them know how you feel before it is too late. Find out how they feel if you don't already know( I hope you already know). Heal any old wounds if you can. Create some new memories with them while there is still time. In short just love them and the time you have left with them.
Fu*k that guy at Duke. ..
 
I have videos on my phone of my son and five years later, I still can't bring myself to watch them. I'm ok looking at pictures of him, but I'm not ready to see him moving or hear his voice.
Sorry brother. I can't imagine.
 
Alabamacoastie, do they know Jesus?
I have a letter I found in a book I bought at a Good Will store. It was a letter from a sister to her brother about what their belief systems were.

In the letter she relates part of the eulogy that David Reagan gave for his father Ronald Reagan on his death.

David said that the best gift that you could ever give your family is to "let your family know where you are going to spend eternity." Ronald gave that gift to his family.

For each of you that read this I sincerely hope that you have done this for your families.

I know several nurses that will tell you that believers have peace as they pass and others have been heard to start screaming to get their feet out if the fire.

Please make sure that spiritual affairs are taken care of also. I can relate other stories of people experiencing the after life to know that it is real.

Sent from my SM-J320V using Tapatalk
 
My mom does. My dad does not. I'm very religious, so I'll keep talking to both of them.
My mom had a brother who was a 5:59:59pm saved soul. He has more of a testimony in his death than he ever had in life.

My mom prayed for an clarity of his mind so he could accept salvation. He was saved in a rest home during church services one day. He didn't live long after that. I was with a few family members when his ashes were interned at the foot of his parents graves.

Sent from my SM-J320V using Tapatalk
 
You have brothers and sisters? Anybody that is going to absolutely show their ass when the time comes? Be prepared. Death brings out the best in some, and the absolute worst in others.

Plenty of good legal advice here. Get as much sorted upfront so that you can go into autopilot after the fact; planning the burial/cremation, dealing with medical expenses, going through wills, sorting out probate, and the million other things that happen all within hours of a loved one dying are overwhelming. Talk to your wife about the plan.

As for the important part... Be good to them. Listen to them and ask lots of questions. I would give my every earthly possession to do our favorite activities with those that I've lost, even just once. I have items that are now mine and I have no idea of the story behind them, because that entire side of the family is dead. Recipes, folk medicine, stories, etc, all gone. Money is nothing, time is everything, and loved ones are the only things that make either even worth a damn. I believe you've mentioned you have two young ladies; they need to be spending time with Granny and Pepaw.

As for them. Find out what they want afterwards. Big service? Cremation? This heirloom to that daughter, etc?

As far as yourself... I have no advice. I've been though grief counseling twice now, though my circumstances may be different that most. I deal with things the way men in my family did; morose, dark as the abyss humor and leaking out bits of extreme rage over insignificant shit like a paper towel roll coming off the dispenser instead of a sheet tearing off cleanly.

If you're like me, taking care of everybody and everything else will be the highest priority and you'll be surprised at how well you're holding everything together, and one day you'll be driving alone, or in the shop, or early into the bottle on the porch and the bottom will fall out from underneath you. You've got to simply hold on.

Anyhow, all the best in planning, and my thoughts will be with you.
 
I didn't read through all the responses so I may be repeating. I would have them both get a 10k dollar term life insurance policy. It shouldn't cost a ton of money monthly but will be enough or close enough for the cost of the funeral. I would sit down with each and ask if they have wills if not I would contact an estate attorney if either have property to set up a trust so they don't have everything taken by a nursing home. While talking to them about that have them choose a funeral home and you can even take them to make arrangements now while healthy if they are willing. My father is 76 lives six hours from me and I am the only sibling he trust to talk about this stuff. He has already made plans with the funeral home and put me as the beneficiary of his policy to sign over. Also get at least a medical power of attorney incase some decisions need made.
 
Just want to add if dad was in the military he can have military funeral honors if he wants it.

What can also help is for parents to make a video on what their wishes are to go with their wills.
If my folks did this it would have put a stop to a three year legal battle with one sister
who my folks left her $1. in their wills. We spent $40K in estate legal bill and I had to pay $36K.

They say you can't contest a will, sure you can, will you win, no not really but you will
force the estate to spend big money defending the will. Settlement lawyers, 'don't worry, I'll get you something'.

Good estate attorney is needed, should you enter a nursing home medicare has so many things including caps on life insurance policies.
There is also a five year lookback, they want to see where the money went.

My Aunt is going into a home this weekend, her live in cost her $3K a month to the agency,
all documented for the last seven years, the home will cost $4K a month and medicare will start when the money
is gone in about 10 months. Her duplex will be sold shortly.
 
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What all of the above said. Dad in 1996, mom in 2013. I was POA for everything and I assure you making the decision is much less stressful if you have those documents signed well ahead of time. Get your crap in order first. Get theirs in order very soon after that. When you get an attorney for your stuff, make the appointment for all of you and do it at the same time. Same for your wife. Death is inevitable, chaos surrounding death is avoidable.
 
I haven’t lost a parent yet. They divorced and both remarried, both divorced again and dad remarried somone younger with young children. It frustrates us that he most likely isn’t going to think about his biological children or grandchildren in his estate planning, everything will go to the new family. It’s a lot of money, but that’s not the issue so much as the feeling of being set aside or discarded. I expect to attend his funeral, he is who he is and I don’t really hold that against him, and who he is made me who I am, both good and bad. I’m sure that some of my brothers will not attend.

My wife and siblings wouldn’t discuss end of life issues with her parents until it was too late. They are at home, but shouldn’t be. He sends money to the charities that run tv commercials and he can’t make it up or down the stairs without her help, she has dementia. He’s 185Lbs, she might be 100. One day he’ll fall and we’ll eventually find one or both of them dead at the bottom the stairs. The only silver lining is that they are doing what they say they want to do. He’s a noncompliant diabetic and she goes to the ER for phantom abdominal pain a couple times a week, the mice have overrun the kitchen. I pray that they make it through the holidays. To make it worse, her family has a long history, even tradition, of having folks raid the home of the deceased for mementoes. Folks have been known to cart away furniture, silverware and china, cookbooks and pictures while the rest of the family is still at the hospital. It’s small money stuff, but it stinks for example that the only daughter didn’t get some promised piece of jewelry because it was stolen by an undisclosed family member that wanted their daughter, wife, niece, pawnshop, whatever to have it.

I’m gonna take a run at my father, asking him how he wants his children and grandchildren to remember him, if at all. We’ll see how it goes. I saw him once this year, or maybe that was last year, and we swapped a couple texts as recently as Sept. I talk to him more than most.

My family issues are clearly different that yours, but it was cathartic for me to regurgitate all over your thread!
 
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