Don's joke thread

Don

I'm just here for the comments...
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A Scottish atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in the lake when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the Scotsman sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Just a few seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
 
2 polish guys go fishing and rent a boat from the marina. Their catching fish like it's going out of style and the guy in the back says "we should mark this spot so we can come back next week when we're off again". The guy in the front digs in his tackle box and comes out with a can of spray paint and proceeds to put a big X in the bottom of the boat. The guy in the back knocks him upside the head with an oar and says, "Stupid, what the hell makes you think we'll get the same boat next week??"......
 
2 polish guys go deer hunting and manage to kill a big doe. They tie a rope to the doe's back legs and start dragging her toward the truck. They stop to rest and one says to the other, "I'll bet it would drag easier if we drag it with the hair direction instead of against it". So they tie the rope around her neck and take off again. A little while later they stop to take another break and one says to the other, "you know, it is easier to drag it with the hair instead of against it, but we're getting further and further from the truck"......
 
Any idea of why a polish guy carries dog shit in his wallet??................................................................................for identification....
 
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in hte mirror, while her grandfrather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. “You know Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately!”

*****************

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday ... I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle. “You’re kidding me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”

***************

An American visiting England was walking down a street when a wonderful smell of fish and chips drew her by the nose into a small monastery. The food was outstanding, just perfect in every way. She wanted to thank the cook personally so was escorted back into the kitchen and greeted by a happy looking man in a Capuchin robe.

When she asked to meet the creator of her fish and chips the chef grinned wide and said, “Madam, I am the Fish Friar. The other cook over there is the Chip Monk.”

***************

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?” he asked the priest.

The priest said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:30?

**************

Little Johnny is outside sitting on the curb, playing with his toy semi truck, every once in awhile he pops an m&m in his mouth, grabs the cat and bites it, and moves down the curb a bit. His dad is watching this thru the window, wondering what he’s doing. Johnny pops an m&m in his mouth, bites the cat and moves down the curb again. So dad goes out to see what he’s doing, Johnny tells him he’s a truck driver, dad asks him what he means, Johnny says “ You know, poppin’ pills, eatin’ pussy and movin’ down the road”

*************

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

“Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich” she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers...

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, “Now you know why they call that fancy mustard Poupon”.

*************

Yesterday my therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
 
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”, he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
 
The Irish are a wonderful bunch of people, always willing to help in a pinch...

Shortly after take-off on an out-bound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available”.

************************
At an Irish wedding the minister offered this toast:

“Marriage is the union of two people who bring meaning to one another and make their life bearable. Will all the men please go stand beside that one person who has made their life bearable!”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 
A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door. “Can I have a drink please?”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”

“Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!”

The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!"
 
AT THE NEW SENIORS COMPLEX!!

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $80.

Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass???"

Then one of the senior girls spoke up and asked if it would be ok if they could split the fine.

******************************************

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

***************************************

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

*************************************

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

***********************************

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".

***********************************

New Definition for S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when an F-16 flashed by. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot, "What did you think of that?"

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled and replied, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, and then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll."

Moral of the Story

When you are young & foolish, speed & flash may seem like a good thing! But when you get older & smarter, comfort & ease is not such a bad thing!

That's why the new definition for S.O.S. is "Slower, Older and Smarter."

*********************************

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!

'What powerful rivers!

'What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well, ' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

**************************

Thank you for your 2015 emails

As we start 2016, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician...

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.​
 
An Arab, a terrorist and a president walk into a bar, the bartender says, "Hello Mr Obama!"
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
 
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: a bunch of wankers are reading this post.
 
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,...

But all men ... Are men!
 
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger.

Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’.

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’
 
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ... women like that are hard to find."
 
How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three:

One to change it,

One to support her by holding the ladder,

One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the word "screw".
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful, ' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them ... You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 
Murphy from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store

So he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, She asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

"To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business".
 
Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"The whole ISIS group," she says.

"Why them?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride.

"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."
 
Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa. The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as cubs. I just don't get it.'

'Well, ' said the big Bear, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians' replied the small Bear.

Hmmm ... I used to go after them but tourists are better. But, where are you catching the politicians?'

'Down near the parking lot by the Government Buildings.'

'Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I hide under one of their cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big bear, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'
 
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
 
Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. (Wrong!)

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

Men Are Just Happier People
 
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one get one free". "They're already buy 0ne get one free' she said' so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

******************

"One day while walking along the beach with some friends one of them said look at that dead bird" Another looked up and said "where is it?"

******************

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in her trunk.

*****************

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now", she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

*****************

While working in a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

****************

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
 
A young woman drove into the garage where I had a part time job. She told me this was her first car, and it was time for an oil change. Wanting only the best for her prized possession, she'd brought her own filter and oil.

When I crawled under the car, she watched my every move. After the old oil was drained, she gave me the new filter, saying she had bought the very best product for her car after overhearing a conversation between her mother and a neighbor on the subject of oil. With a confident smile, she handed me two cans of Pure Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
 
As I get older I realize:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

4. My people skills are just fine! It is my tolerance of idiots that needs work!

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write things down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it is like a mini-vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller!

10. "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm here!
 
Sitting on a train traveling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Aussie bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:

The Aussie bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Aussie thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that f**king Kiwi again.
 
Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '

Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end

& I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled,

'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!'

*********************
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

********************
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought:

'This is going to make a loud noise.

So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

***********************
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun ... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'

********************

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos...

It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!'

So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.

'What's that, ' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos ... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold, ' she replied...

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied...

'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

*****************************
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,

'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,

'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.

I need to keep my mind off it &

I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.

A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.

'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
 
In the interest of fairness:
YES MARTHA, THERE ARE BLOND MEN TOO

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

********************
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

********************
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do ... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

*********************
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

*******************
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

*********************
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

*******************
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

************************
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.

His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies...

*******************
A blond man is in jail ... Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

*********************
( This one actually makes sense ... well, sort of... )

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."​
 
A man walks into a drug store with his ten-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

The boy looks over the display, picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy. Then he notices a six-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university students," the dad answers, “two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

"WOW!" exclaims the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a twelve-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, "Those are for married men… one for January, one for February, one for March...”
 
Mickey and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Mickey didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Mickey hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Mickey lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Mickey, but one day, Bob approached the park and --lo and behold -- there sat Mickey!

Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Mickey, what in the world happened to you?

Mickey replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well, ' Mickey said, 'you know Jane, that cute little bartender/waitress at the restaurant where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah, ' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.

*************************

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life In 2016 -- Remember:

1 ... Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2 ... Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3 ... The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4 ... My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5 ... The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6 ... I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7 ... It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9 ... My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

**********************

The regular taster at a winery died, and the director started looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass of wine to try.

The drunk took a mouthful and said:

'It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.'

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass...

"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, 8 more years for finest results"

"Correct."

A third glass...

"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive." the drunk said calmly.

The owner was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant. And if I don't get the job, ... I'll name the father."

************************

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F**king big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

*********************

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter, ' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle

box, he pulled out a Bic lighter that was an enormous 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well, ' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box, ' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will, ' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

************************

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

**********************

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching hockey - who shall I say is calling?"

*********************

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt-- read on)

"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
 
Roping A Deer

(Names have been removed to protect the Stupid!)

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it ... it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand ... kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.

This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why, when people go deer hunting, they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
 
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