Grief Counseling or anything similar, experiences? +rambling

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Howdy folks,
Almost hate to ask, as I never visit this part of the forum to offer support, but does anybody have any experience with grief counseling? Would attending stigmatize me with future firearms matters?

Two years ago, my father was involved in a head on collision with a POS with a mile long rap sheet. Of course, said POS was high as a kite and barely hurt, while my father lingered in a hospital for exactly a week before succumbing to massive blunt force trauma.

This Feb, the trial was held. Apparently the POS was previously jailed for killing another man in a head on collision, again while high, except the man's 6 year old daughter was in the car, which caught fire. So a tiny girl, trapped in a flaming car, with her dead father, and this POS tried to run off, but was detained by a Samaritan. That man's life was worth 6 years of the POS's time. For his recidivist tendencies and death of my father, he received a 2nd Degree Murder sentence of life with no parole. I sincerely hope he intimately knows the taste of another man in his cell block in Laurinburg.

That has been the only consolation since his death. My pop was a salt-of-the-earth type, a very likable and plain spoken guy with a wicked sense of humor (whenever I read a post by gunbelt, I hear it in my dad's voice). He was a Civil Designer, having a hand in many power plants and buildings, including quite a few in Charlotte. He was very accomplished, highly sought after in his field, with a huge network of colleagues.

As a dad, he was unparalleled. I was a handful, and while firm, he was always patient despite some very serious issues that occurred during my teen years. I think like most of our dads, he was outdoorsy, loving fishing and hunting, and started me shooting at a young age. He was the template for everything I wanted to become.

Since he was pulled so violently from our lives, the little bit of family I have left has struggled with the loss. My mother, despite being one of the strongest people I know, was just crushed. The day he died, she broke down in a way I had never seen before, and I knew I would have to be there for her, and I have been since.

...and I guess that brings me to the issue. I'm pretty stunted emotionally. My level of feeling has a range of hungry, angry, happy, and sleepy. Since I've focused on everybody and everything else since his death, my own emotional and mental health has declined. I was moving up through my work, getting a name in my own field, and his death just leveled me. A man who worked everyday in his life, just a year from retirement, cut down on his way to work. What was the point in me following the same path?

I left my high paying, prestigious job to take a minimum wage, drone labor job much closer to home. I tell myself I did it for all sorts of noble reasons, but the truth of it was just giving up. Exerting so much energy into just holding myself together while maintaining my insanely fervent work ethic (4-6 people were needed to replace me at my old job, should I be gone for a few days) just lead to a total collapse for me. Sleeping overnight at work and working on everything else at home damaged my marriage and friendships as well.

So I have no idea what I need to do at this point. I'm fairly lost and directionless. My pop was my best friend, my model for how I should live my life, and I just can't get my sh!t together now. While I've taken the time to rebuild my domestic life and be a good son and husband, my ambition, work ethic, and drive have suffered, veering from almost manic levels of work to keep my mind occupied to periods of deep seated malaise, where I can't be bothered to care about anything, thinking how pointless most everything is, especially since some POS can snatch it away at point.

At any rate, it feels better just saying all of this stuff here; things I've not mentioned to anybody, feelings I haven't admitted, etc. Is there any solace in spewing all this nonsense in front of a group of strangers? I know I'll never admit or say these things to my wife, and my mother doesn't need my grief on top of hers, and my friends won't really understand, and I couldn't even say it in front of them without alcohol.
 
Sorry to hear your going threw all that and for your great loss! I couldn't begin to imagine the pain that would cause on a person or family. I do not have much to add for advice but glad to listen and sounds like your starting down a good path asking for help and rebuilding your relationship with your spouse. Try not to isolate yourself from your friends, they might not understand but I am sure they care about your well being and helping where they can even if it is just listening as that can help a great deal at times.
 
That sucks so bad, I can't even imagine the struggle.

Talk to your wife, you may be surprised by how much she can help you and by how much talking to her about this may help both of you in some ways.

A far as I know, voluntary help will not affect your 2nd amendment rights but involuntary will.
 
My wife has been a grief, hospice and crisis counselor for about 20 years. I can say with absolute certainty that the only way youd impact anything to do with firearms ownership is if you are INVOLUNTARILY committed. Otherwise, counselors have the same responsibilities re: patient confidentiality that all healthcare have providers follow.
 
It won't affect your firearms ownership, but even if it did, guns just aren't as important as being a good son, husband, father and whatever else you may be. Find someone to talk to, ain't no shame in that. BTW, your wife and mother will be far more understanding than you expect, it's not like they haven't seen how it is affecting you, they are just waiting for you to let it out.

Prayers and best wishes
 
That sucks so bad, I can't even imagine the struggle.
That trial... I would never wish a trial like that on anybody. Having to sit there and listen to somebody make excuses about killing your loved one...


Thanks for the advice folks. Maybe it's the typical German/Irish Southern mutt upbringing, but we've never been very open with emotions or affectionate, for that matter.

Anybody ever done any counseling like this? You find it helpful or is just picking scabs?
 
That trial... I would never wish a trial like that on anybody. Having to sit there and listen to somebody make excuses about killing your loved one.

We probably settle 9 of 10 cases without a trial, it's a shame that the one that went to trial was such a POS.

Never been to this type of counseling, being Irish and Italian I express myself in less constructive ways.
 
We probably settle 9 of 10 cases without a trial, it's a shame that the one that went to trial was such a POS.

Never been to this type of counseling, being Irish and Italian I express myself in less constructive ways.
He was given a chance, but was sure he would beat the trial. I'm happy with the result. I don't want him on the road in another 10 years, killing an entire family or something. Now he can just rot away in a concrete building, drinking toilet wine and smoking homemade vape juice.

Understood about the less constructive expression. I'm trying to do better these days.
 
When my mother in law drowned at Atlantic Beach a few years ago it hit all of us hard. I'll save the long story, but suffice to say that our marriage, our daily lives and our happiness were affected for several years. I imagine in ways that are very similar to what you're dealing with.

Being a traditional Irish Catholic, I kept everything bottled up except the Jameson's.

When my wife tried dragging me to her therapist for a joint session I resisted. I didn't participate and it didn't help. The first 2 or 3 times. That 3rd or 4th time though...seeing how destroyed she was and how I wasn't helping...I decided to try. I talked. I learned. We got better.

Nobody walks the same path, but many folks have taken the same journey. I learned that there's no value in going it alone. I hope you give therapy a try. And if you don't connect with the first one, find another.
 
If you go to Church, ask your pastor for references for counselors. If you don't, see if your family Dr has any. I've been out of the field too long. I used to have some names for the Catawba Cty area years ago, but they are long gone. IMO you could get away with seeing a counselor as opposed to a psychologist or psychiatrist type.

And I would recommend taking to your wife. I'm sure she has noticed. If not now, plan on doing it at some point in the counseling. It will need to happen.
 
don't be afraid to talk to someone. As a putz suffering from a terminal illness called birth, I can attest that some therapists can do a world of good. quite a few years ago I was treated by a guy and got off meds and have my life back. I remember a book called getting past your past as having some helpful points in it. Much of it is about a type of therapy I never used , but some of it just helps to get a perspective and understanding of what we are dealing with. Depression is a darkness I deal with regularly, but half the fight is just acknowledging it. Good luck
 
You took an important step by sharing/asking for help here. @chiefjason is right on, talking to a respected counselor is a good second step. A counselor may recommend you see a clinical psychiatrist for further help and in my opinion there is no stigma in that.


Sent from my NSA enabled iPad using Crapatalk
 
Sorry for your loss, praying for you and your family.
Talking to someone helps. Talking to someone trained to help you helps more. Don't hesitate to look for help when you are hurting. There are several resources out there for finding help with grieving. As mentioned above, start with asking for references, but the yellow pages can also offer some options/ideas. If at first you don't succeed, try someone different.

Dealing with tragedies is one of the hardest things we have to do in this life. Few of us can do it alone. I lost my father early and tragically. Feel free to contact me if I can be any help.
 
That's a terrible thing to have to live through. That being said I'm going to put on my Klingon grief counselor hat.

Life is hard, bad shit happens. Find someone to talk to, get drunk, cry. But once you do that, take a deep breath, hike up your britches and drive on with your life. Remember survival of the fittest isn't to the strongest or most intelligent but to the one who can adapt the best. Character isn't proven when every thing is going your way.
 
We probably settle 9 of 10 cases without a trial, it's a shame that the one that went to trial was such a POS.

Never been to this type of counseling, being Irish and Italian I express myself in less constructive ways.
Probably because the POS lawyer had him convinced he could get him off on a lighter charge than the DA was offering in a plea bargain.
 
Sorry for your loss. It sounds to me like you put others needs before your own, which is understandable and there is nothing wrong with that. Now, you have realized that it's time to put your own needs first. There is nothing wrong with that either. There is no stigma to be had by seeking help with that process and the firearms question has been answered and is a non issue. It's a sad state when one had to worry about surrendering fundamental rights in exchange for seeking help like that.
 
Thanks for the advice folks. Maybe it's the typical German/Irish Southern mutt upbringing, but we've never been very open with emotions or affectionate, for that matter.

You may be surprised to find that you fit into a majority of men when it comes to your ability to show feelings; it's hard to do.

I can go days without even speaking to my wife simply because I refuse to talk about how I feel. I'm a man, I can handle my own storms. I love her but what's inside me is mine to deal with and it's best that she not even know the things that bounce around inside this head of mine. Weakness is ugly to the people who depend upon us for strength.

I've learned something in the past two years: it's horsecrap. Our wives love us and want to be a part of our lives, intimately. I can say that when I just open up and tell her what's inside, it's like a tourniquet is released.

I've never talked to a therapist but I think I would if I lived through such a traumatic event, but I really would suggest trying to talk to your wife.
 
Finding a counselor/therapist that you can feel comfortable with and learn to trust will be worth its weight in gold.It takes time to trust them and to be able to open up to them.My stuff was peeled back in layers(like peeling an onion)a little at the time.Some things took time to come out and others flowed freely.It took me a little while to be comfortable in my own skin and it got easier as time went on.
Taking care of me is paramount to be able to be there for others.

It took so much more energy to keep it all to myself than to share it and not carry the burden.I learned a lot of what I carried wasn't my burden but I was eager to accept it as part of my self destructive cycle.

I am glad you took the time to share it with us and I am deeply sorry for your loss.You never get over some things but you can learn how to live with them.

I would bet all of your lives would improve once you can share your grief together.
 
I met with a grief counselor from Hospice after my father died from cancer, twenty-five years ago. It helped me get through a rough time. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, eight years ago. I sought the counselor before she died. I knew there wouldn't be enough time for it, later. Again, it helped.

I wish I could say that they spoke magic words that made everything OK again. But, those words don't exist. They did listen, I vented. It helps a little to let it out.

One word of advice: Seek a grief counselor or a psychologist. They will help you work through the problems. If you visit a psychiatrist, you will most likely leave with a prescription you may not need.
 
Don't drink to dull the pain. My father had a total spinal cord injury 2.5 years ago and became a paraplegic. Before his accident he was a very active and independant man and thankfully is now as active as can be. Seeing my hero struggle and having to step in and be the "parent" in some cases was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I coped but drank way to much when home alone. I finally realized it was becoming a problem and wnet to couseling which helpled tremdously. I will still have a drink or two but dont use booze as a release anymore.
 
Don't drink to dull the pain. My father had a total spinal cord injury 2.5 years ago and became a paraplegic. Before his accident he was a very active and independant man and thankfully is now as active as can be. Seeing my hero struggle and having to step in and be the "parent" in some cases was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I coped but drank way to much when home alone. I finally realized it was becoming a problem and wnet to couseling which helpled tremdously. I will still have a drink or two but dont use booze as a release anymore.

I've had that dance, and while I'm not a tea totaler, I seldom drink any significant amount anymore.

Again, thanks to everybody for the outreach and words of support, both here and privately. I'm so used to being alone in this, that it warms my heart to have so many relative strangers offering support and prayers for somebody that is a generally abrasive crank.

I'm not old enough to offer any advice myself, but I will say go see your dad/uncle/father figure and go to a car show, go fishing, work on a lawnmower, go to a gunshow, or just sit and listen to him talk about his life. I'm fortunate in that I got to spend a lot of time with my dad, but I would give anything to hit up South Mountain on opening day with him again.

And for those of you that are fathers, I'm sure your children have friends that have nothing in the way of a father figure, please step in and offer that role, no matter how minimal. My pop treated my close friends like they were his own, from helping with cars, offering advice, and even offering one a place to stay while he got his life together. I was silly to think how little they would be affected by his death, then one of their girlfriends informed how one had cried for days over his loss, stating my dad was the closest he had to a father.
 
I'm fortunate in that I got to spend a lot of time with my dad, but I would give anything to hit up South Mountain on opening day with him again.

And for those of you that are fathers, I'm sure your children have friends that have nothing in the way of a father figure, please step in and offer that role, no matter how minimal. My pop treated my close friends like they were his own, from helping with cars, offering advice, and even offering one a place to stay while he got his life together. I was silly to think how little they would be affected by his death, then one of their girlfriends informed how one had cried for days over his loss, stating my dad was the closest he had to a father.

This is something your dad gave you, instructions on how to be a great dad, and he will be expecting you to move forward with what he taught you. Take care of yourself and continue to become the man you admired the most.
 
First of all, I am sorry you have to walk this road. It sucks donkey balls. Second, absolutely you can engage in grief counseling. If you go to church, you can certainly start with your pastor/priest. There is no quick fix, and it's not like three hour-long chats are going to fix things. be committed for the long haul.
 
...I'm so used to being alone in this, that it warms my heart to have so many relative strangers offering support and prayers for somebody that is a generally abrasive crank...

You've discovered one of the best things about Carolina Firearms Forum. The members here possess a wealth of knowledge and life experience, and most are willing to help others work thru just about anything because they've walked down that particular path. You've gotten good advice in this thread from friends you may never meet or never knew you had, but care about you anyway.

Others of us can do something equally as (or more) important...we can pray for you to find peace and healing.
 
Very sorry for your loss and the hurt the trial put you and your family through. I can't add anything that hasn't already been stated or offered other than to repeat what others have said: You took a major first step in the healing process by starting this thread. We'll keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.
 
I don't mean to sound trite, but you might try reading in the Psalms. Let them say what they really say, and not what pious people think they OUGHT to say. I have found that they hit every emotional feeling possible. Joy, celebration, anticipation, sorrow, insecurity, fear, hatred, despair, anger with men, anger with God, self accusal, the "why is this happening?" stuff, down to "You said this and this doesn't square up"......, you name it. The lesson for me was that it is not only "OK" to have these kinds of feelings, but that God knows them, and really wants us to go through them with Him (yeah, including the "I am pissed off at God and he seems to be a liar at this point). I don't know if/how it might affect your own status in dealing with your dad's death.

For me, saying "yes" to taking Micah into my life meant completely shutting down and walking away from so very many things I had planned, hoped for, and waited for, including completely readjusting my financial plans. The stress in our home from his constant crying (he is 5, autistic) is something you would have to experience to understand. I don't know whether to be angry at God, Micah, Meredith (his mom and my daughter), Carole (for insisting we not put Micah up for adoption) or all of them. I don't have much trouble with his father, as he is a loser and never has been a real part of the pic, but if you get me stirred up enough, I guess I could hate him, too. Part of depression is being emotionally exhausted. I find that going to the Psalms and reading them is like saying "hey, David (or Asaph, or Solomon, or Moses, or whoever.... lots of authors) felt exactly what I do, and SAID it, and You were OK with that?" It is like God will let you say anything, so long as you say it to Him.
I found it was like letting compressed air out of a bag that was getting ready to pop.

If you take a 30 day month, and read five psalms every day, you will go thru the book in a month (although Ps 119 might take a different plan).

I like to pray and say "ok God. Show me who you are. Show me what this guy felt. Show me how to really feel it myself. Show me how who You are is an answer." It becomes really nice when I remember to add "what does this look like in light of the gospel of Jesus?"

Your mileage may vary, but it has been helpful to me.
 
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