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dmarbell

dmarbell

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to North Carolina and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Myrtle Beach to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Again? Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."
 
Thats funny. I figure a tax man has heard this one before, but it's still a good one.


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
 
Jumped or Pushed?

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
You are at a nice hotel for a work / play conference. That night its drinks by the pool, but the pool has it plastic cover on it. In one quick step you wife falls in, your boss jumps in to save her, both are struggling! You have to make a choice, dinner here or drinks upstairs?
 
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This is an oldie but since it is so funny....

Chili Cook Off

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.


If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank); -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*****************************************************

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI #3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 - - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear end with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 -- No Report
 
@BatteryOaksBilly
Your joke about the suit made it all the way out to California. My dad told it to me when I was a teenager.
 
Why it might not be a good idea to try and create a herd of deer on your own!

Why we shoot deer in the wild:
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer
 
How'd the dinosaur climb the tree?

Stood on the acorn and waited.

What's a dinosaur like with his milk?

Dog biscuits.

What's a dinosaur like with his dog biscuits?

Milk.

What kind of dinosaurs made the best police?

Tricera-cops!

Big fan of a small, dinosaur jokes book from way back in the 80's.
They aren't great jokes. Just cheesy enough.
 
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That’s Bazooka Joe quality stuff there!
 
The woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break.

Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Some years ago Adam ate the apple. Men will never learn!
 
WHY CAN'T MY DOGS GO ON WELFARE?:


This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."
So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no clue who their Daddies are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday!!!

She also put their names on the voter registry. And they'll each get to vote 3 times in each election, unless they live in Chicago, where they can vote 5 times in each election.

Is this a great country or what!
 
Man puts up a sign on his yard painter wanted , next day there's a knock on the door, his blonde neighbor ask if she can have the job, man replies he needs his porch painted, no problem she replies, with some trepidation he agrees to let her do it, 30 minutes later she knocks on the and ask to be paid ,done already he ask sure it was easy, so the man pays her, as she starts to leave she turns and says, by the way it's a Lexus not a porch
 
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
 
Heartwarming Lawyer Story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Perplexed, he ordered his driver to stop & he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, you come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us also."
The other man pitifully said, "I also have a wife and six children with me!
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer replied.
They all entered the limo, no easy task even for a sizable limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “You are too kind, thanks for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "You'll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot high."

Come on . . . did you really think there was a heartwarming lawyer story?
Look at Congress -- over 300 damn lawyers!
 
Missing Wife

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim faced Harbor Master officials:

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."

Cedric Flynn asked "Tell me, did you find her?"

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news,"

Fearing the worst...Flynn said..."Give me the bad news first."

"We're sorry to tell you that this morning we found your wife's body in the Bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn..."what could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you've ever seen clinging to her...haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's. We think you're entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
A 76-year-old man is having a drink in a Bar.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition". Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

Our needs change as we get older.
 
Curmudgeon said:
This is an oldie but since it is so funny....

Chili Cook Off

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.


If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank); -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*****************************************************

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI #3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 - - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear end with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 -- No Report
Click to expand...
That was so funny.....I can't breathe from laughing!
 
There was a popular fishing lake that went dry one year. Not dry of water, just fish. Nobody was catching any fish. Except one old guy. He'd leave the dock mid morning and be back with his limit by lunch. Like clockwork. Every single day.

The rest of the lake dwellers were annoyed at first, but that grew to suspicion and then rumors started to spread. He must be cheating somehow. Before long, the local Fish Cop heard the rumors and decided he should check it out.

He "happened" to be at the dock at the right time in full uniform no less, and struck up a conversation with the old guy who assured him the lake was full of fish. In fact, the fishing had never been better. The old guy even offered to take the Fish Cop out on his boat with him.

They rowed out to a cove on the back side of the lake and the old guy put up the oars and opened his tackle box, pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it overboard. The Fish Cop about blew a gasket. "You can't fish like that! You're breaking at least six laws that I can think of right off the top of my head!"

The old guy didn't say a word or change his demeanor a bit and scooped up some of the fish that were starting to float to the surface. He then reached into his tackle box, got another stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it on the Fish Cop's lap and said, "You gonna talk or you gonna fish?"
 
Hiding a new gun from your wife? If it doesn’t show, she’ll never know! ‍♂️

What is a Grayman?

There are people around us everyday who’s physical presence is so non-stimulating that we ignore them.

Our low-profile, most concealable outside the waistband holster (OWB) will help you blend in most situations. If you want to be more concealable, try our low-profile inside the waistband holster (IWB) option.

All of our holsters are custom made to order and come with adjustable retention and cant.

Whether you want to be the Grayman or just Tacticool, we have many colors/designs to choose from.

Don’t forget your matching mag pouch!

https://www.facebook.com/graymandefense/
https://graymandefense.net
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A man was telling his buddy…

"You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said: Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition lo an, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my house key away, and throw me out. Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.”

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said that?”
“Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said : "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign."
 
The palace meteorologist assured the king that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
And thus the symbol of the democrat party was born.
The practice is unbroken to this day.
 
Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words -
"Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________ __

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________ ____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
_____________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________ _________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
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