Jokes

Sam was in the beer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Idaho, as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and there is a big, bearded and burly mountain man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from two miles over the ridge... Having a Christmas party Saturday at 7... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some of the local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops and says, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the beer business I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops and says, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks, "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door and says, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem." says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
 
“Betty Sue! Betty Sue, where are you girl?”
“I’m down here mama”
“Where’s down here?”
“Under the porch”
“Whatch you doin down there?”
“Eatin’ grapes”
“Land sakes girl, where did you get grapes?”
“Off the dog”
 
A friend was troubled because he wanted to sell his car, but didn't think it would be easy because it had over 200,000 miles on it.

I told him that although it was illegal, I knew a guy that could roll back the odometer to make it look like it had fewer miles.

A few weeks later, I asked him if he got up with the guy and did he get his problem solved. He said he did.

I asked him if he sold his car. He said he wasn't going to sell it now. "Why not," I asked?

"It's only got 60,000 miles on it!"
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Timmy what is your problem?" Timmy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Timmy to the principal's office. While Timmy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Timmy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Timmy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Timmy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Timmy can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Timmy both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Timmy, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Timmy replied, "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Timmy: "Pants."
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Timmy: "Coconut."

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Timmy was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Timmy: "Bubblegum."
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could top the answer. Timmy: "Shake hands."
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Timmy: "Yep."
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Timmy: "Tent."
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Timmy: "Wedding Ring."
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Timmy: "Nose."
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Timmy: "Arrow."
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Timmy: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Timmy in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own f'ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.


The end
 
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So sad...In Oakland a 15 year old kid challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge asked who then should take custody of you? The young man said I would like to be placed with the Oakland Raiders because they don't beat anybody.
 
PARKING TICKET:
My wife and I went into town and shopped. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife then referred to him as a “Buffoon”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Bernie Sanders stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
 
Bear Hunting in Alaska

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the 'Popemobile' when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Register all Guns hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Tea Party shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy ?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one...?"
 
Word Play

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

•I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

•All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

•I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t waste time worrying about old age; it doesn’t last.
 
Bud the Cowboy



A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 15 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE U.S. CONGRESS
 
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due
to engine failure during a catapult shot from the carrier.
Due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear.


The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major.
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.
"And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear. "
 
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WEST TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang.

He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

“You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?”
 
What do you call 2 nuts on your wall?

I dunno.

Walnuts.





What do you call 2 nuts on your chest?

I dunno.

Chestnuts.





What do you call 2 nuts on your chin?


Chinnuts?


No, blowjob.
 
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The Villages in Florida is the largest gated over-55 community in the world. It holds more than 100,000 residents in an area bigger than Manhattan and everyone gets around via golf cart. My friend, Retired Army Chaplain Don Doggett and his beautiful wife, Mary, live there. He recently authored this update and shared it with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages. Looters have broken into stores that sell items like laxatives and surgical stockings. The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers to flee.

The protests have been limited to the evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps And the marches didn’t last all that long anyway because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee.

In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there. Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. But since that’s the time most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.

Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had time on their hands since the nightly bingo game had been canceled due to the Coronavirus. Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but no one would volunteer. “
 
Worst Plane Disaster

News Flash!!!

The worst air disaster in South Carolina history occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a baptist church cemetery here early this morning.

Brothers Bubba and Billy Lee Wayne, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues late into the evening.

We'll have more as details come available...
 
You might be an extreme Redneck if
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
 
Heartwarming Immigrant Success Story -

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoeshine stand is always located.


He sits in a chair, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.


One morning the shoeshine man asks the CEO:


- What do you think about the situation in the stock market?


The CEO asks in turn arrogantly:


- Why are you so interested in that topic?


- I have a million dollars in your bank and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market, the shoeshine man replies.


- What your name?, asks the CEO.


- John Smith.


The CEO arrives back at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:


- Do we have a client named John Smith.?


- Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager– he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.


The CEO goes out, approaches the shoeshine man, and says:


- Mr. Smith, I want you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.


At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:


- We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.


Mr. Smith began his story:


- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoeshine man on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.


- Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
 
The moral of the story is "When a fly drops 6 inches a gets wet".
When my cat, Freja, was a kitten she would always run into the bathroom anytime you went in there. She had, and still does to a degree, an obsession with sink drains. Being a small kitten, she would jump from the floor to the toilet to the counter.

Twice in the middle of the night, I would get up to go, lift the lid and .... SPLASH! .... right into the toilet she went, hence "When a fly drops 6 inches a pussy gets wet". The funny thing was it didn't phase her at all, she just sat there. Norwegian forest cats have a double coat with an outer fur that resists water so they don't seem to mind it. She was so small when we got her that my wife told me to ALWAYS look before flushing the toilet because she was small enough to go down.

Ok, since this a joke thread .....

This guy is on a deserted island with only a pig and a dog. After several months he starts getting lonely and the pig starts looking pretty good if you know what I mean. So one day he plots out how he is going to get the pig. He sneaks up behind it, is just about to grab it, when WOOF WOOF WOOF the dog attacks him and starts trying to bite him in the ass. So he backs off and after about a week tries again and wouldn't you know it but the dog attacks him. This continues to happen for several more weeks and he is getting pretty desperate. One day he finds this woman lying unconscious on the beach. He takes her back to his camp, cares for her, nurses he back to health. Finally she has recovered and says to him, "Since you saved my life, I feel the need to repay you. Name it and I'll do it. I'll do anything you ask." "Anything?", he asks her. "Yes, she says, anything". He replies, "What I would really like for you to do for me is to take my dog for a walk."
 
When my cat, Freja, was a kitten she would always run into the bathroom anytime you went in there. She had, and still does to a degree, an obsession with sink drains. Being a small kitten, she would jump from the floor to the toilet to the counter.

Twice in the middle of the night, I would get up to go, lift the lid and .... SPLASH! .... right into the toilet she went, hence "When a fly drops 6 inches a pussy gets wet". The funny thing was it didn't phase her at all, she just sat there. Norwegian forest cats have a double coat with an outer fur that resists water so they don't seem to mind it. She was so small when we got her that my wife told me to ALWAYS look before flushing the toilet because she was small enough to go down.

Ok, since this a joke thread .....

This guy is on a deserted island with only a pig and a dog. After several months he starts getting lonely and the pig starts looking pretty good if you know what I mean. So one day he plots out how he is going to get the pig. He sneaks up behind it, is just about to grab it, when WOOF WOOF WOOF the dog attacks him and starts trying to bite him in the ass. So he backs off and after about a week tries again and wouldn't you know it but the dog attacks him. This continues to happen for several more weeks and he is getting pretty desperate. One day he finds this woman lying unconscious on the beach. He takes her back to his camp, cares for her, nurses he back to health. Finally she has recovered and says to him, "Since you saved my life, I feel the need to repay you. Name it and I'll do it. I'll do anything you ask." "Anything?", he asks her. "Yes, she says, anything". He replies, "What I would really like for you to do for me is to take my dog for a walk."
:eek::eek::eek:
 
Kinda cheezy, but it made me laugh

Q: what do you call a tyrannosaurus-rex that sells guns?
A: small-arms dealer
 
Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?

A: To hide in cherry trees of course.



Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works pretty good, huh?



Q: How did Farmer Brown die?

A: Picking cherries...



Stupid joke, great visual.
 
Missing Person Report: Husband to Police Officer

Husband: My wife is missing. She drove to the grocery story yesterday and has not come home.

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of vehicle?

Husband: She took my car.

OFFICER : What kind of car was it?

Husband : A 2017 Porsche 911 Turbo S Cabriolet, Carmine red, 580 horsepower, all-wheel drive, rear-wheel steering, Bose audio, HID headlights, active suspension management, sport exhaust, 20-inch wheels, torque-vectoring rear differential, navigation, rain-sensing wipers, Bluetooth, HomeLink, Apple Play integration, dual-zone climate control, cruise control, heated side mirrors, and keyless entry. I added special Pirelli P-Zero Corsa N0 tires. It has a custom carbon fiber spoiler and front wings, under-glow wheel well lighting ... At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, we'll find your car.
 
In the words of Thomas Edison when ask how it felt to have failed thousands of times while trying to invent the light bulb: "Sir, I did not fail thousands of times! I successfully discovered over one thousand ways which would not work!"
 
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a very tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, with a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled,

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
 
A "Blonde" Farmer's Wife

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, So, I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where that cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for town.

Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. "Good Morning, Maam... I came to inseminate the cow," he says.

Amy takes him down to the barn, walk along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, "This is the one, right here."

Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, "Please tell me, young lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple...by the nail that's over its stall," she explains with confidence.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?"

As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

(Once in a while, it's nice to see a blonde win)
 
from above:

Curmudgeon....​


"13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge."

which one?
we have two outside.
maybe we're extra extreme.
 
why did the chicken cross the road?


to visit the idiot.......




knock knock......who's there?





the chicken....
 
I have been reading some books (I actually can read) about Crazy Horse, Sitting Bull, and Custer. Evidently a bad problem Sitting Bull had was that his two wives at that time were sisters who did not like each other. He did not get much sleep because he had to lie between them at night without turning over on his side either way because one would fuss at him if he turned in the direction of the other. He just had to lie there and stare at the top of the lodge.

I also heard that there were frequently members of the Roman Catholic clergy present in Indian (Pre-Columbian Migrants) camps. Sitting Bull was eventually converted to Roman Catholicism. There was, it appears, a nun among the clergy members present at the camp on the Little Bighorn. She was walking around when she first got there getting familiar with the people and their customs. She came upon a young brave who had a single feather in his headband. Crazy Horse only wore one feather, but I do not think it was he. The nun asked the brave what the one feather signified. He smiled and told her that it meant that he had slept with one squaw. Oh!! How horrible, she cried and went on her way.

She came upon another brave a few minutes later who had three feathers in his headband. Excuse me, sir. What do those three feathers signify? He gave a big smile and told her that they signified that he had slept with three squaws. Oh!! How terrible, she exclaimed and then went on her way.

After a while she came to a chief, probably not the henpecked Sitting Bull, who had feathers all around his head, down his back, and dragging on the ground behind him.

Excuse me, Chief. What do all those feathers signify?

Ugh. I sleep with all squaws.

Oh!! How hostile.

Ugh. Horse style, dog style, pig style, any style.

Oh Dear!!!

Ugh. No deer. Ass too high. Run too fast
 
Two men and one woman were stranded on a deserted island.

After two weeks the woman was so ashamed of what she was doing, she killed herself .

Two weeks later the men were so ashamed of what they were doing , they buried her .

Two weeks after that the men were so ashamed of what they were doing , they dug her up .
 
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
 
A Real Touching Tear Jerker.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful, young Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently
on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.

I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
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NASCAR News
Kevin Harvick announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.This announcement followed Harvick's decision to take advantage of President Biden's stimulus scheme for employing Harlem teenagers.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how welfare-drawing street gangs from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Harvick's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Harvick's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

UPDATE:

However, Harvick got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN, and sold the car to Kyle Busch, for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed and some photos of Harvick's wife in the shower.
 
If you get an email from me about canned meats, DO NOT open it!

It might be Spam.

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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.
It should be open when she brings it to you.


This joke not only got my beer she brought me not opened tonight, but I had to go get the next one myself.
Totally worth it 🤣
 
Guy walks up to the bar and says "I'll bet you $10 if you set up 5 shot glasses I can pee into those 5 glasses without spilling a drop."
Bartender thinks for a minute and says "easy bet". Sets the glasses up.

The guy stands on the barstool and begins to pee all over the bar, barely making any bit of it into any one of the glasses.

Bartender says "haha! You lose! Where is my $10?!?.

The man hands the cash over with a smile.

The bartender says "why are you smiling? You lost the bet?"

Guy tells him " I bet those guys over there $100 I could pee all over your bar, and not only would you not be mad, but you would laugh about it"

Don't trust a man confident about his bet...
 
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