Needing to vent and a prayer

wmg819

wmg819

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I've been hanging around for about a year, learned some and posted some but haven't been that active. Most of my internet activities, hell any activity for that matter has been what ever free time I can get once the wife is settled for the night. You see she's been sick for the last couple of years and I'm her primary care giver. Cancer, heart surgery, multiple surgeries to try to fix various problems with both femoral arteries, a brain in jury from massive bleeding from a ruptured artery which has resulted in seizures and memory issues. She has been suffering a host of other issues from kidney disease and other organ issues due to chronic anemia and pulmonary issues and the list goes on and on.

Our lives this year has been one of multiple long and short term hospital stays, home health aids at the house daily, visiting nurses on a bi-weekly basis and more doctors appointments than I care to count. And because of all issues with the memory and altered mental status the doctors look to me to make decisions for her care (I do have medical power of attorney for her). This really hasn't caused much of an issue until this week.

The doctors have finally concluded it's time to call it quits. Fixing her is no longer an option, it's never going to be better. Her life of staying in bed because she's to weak to walk, her being emotional because she can't remember yesterday last week or last month, her constant struggle pain and her failing health is her new normal. It's now time for Hospice in thier opinion and they are coming tomorrow.

The hard part isn't accepting this, I've watched her die and be brought back already. It's accepting the finality of this decision which really hit home Thursday when the DNR and MOST forms were completed. The hardest part is knowing this is the right move while part of me wonders am I doing right by her or just giving up on her.

Then there are the kids, even though they are all grown with families of there own only one has been here for all the good and bad and all the hands on care my wife requires. She realizes and has accepted what is next for her mother. While the others think thier mom is just over medicated and could get up and be mom if all the medications weren't making her a zombie. They're not here 24/7 seeing what she goes through, they're not at the doctors when the bad news is given on a regular basis and I can imagine it's only going to get worse, I'm sure I'll be blamed for giving up when they find out about the DNR and MOST form but even though I'm the one making decisions I know it's what my wife wants (there is a living will done some time ago).

So please pray for my wife, pray for the family and forgive this long rant.
 
What you have written in not a rant. More of a here's where we are. Post like this is one of the reasons I asked that the Chapel be added when CFF was coming online in the days it was birthed. We need to get things off our chests per say.

Care giving is a hard job. Don't worry what the kids think. Easy to arm chair quarterback when you haven't seen the whole picture. I saw my mom do this for her only brother. It was draining. There comes a time when passing is a relief for the caregiver. You have done right by your wife.

The Bible tells us our days are numbered. None of us know the number. You have given you wife every opportunity for each day she has had after she was revived. You made the best of it.

Now turn her over to the Lord and let her go home. Remember this:

The Lord knows.
The Lord knows your hurt.
The Lord knows your pain.
The Lord knows your loss.
The Lord knows you will need him to lean on.
The Lord knows.

Lord, Grant peace, mercy, grace and understanding to this man and his wife, and the rest of the family. Amen.

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When I see these types of threads posted, I remain silent. Until now.

Only you two are living with what you are going through. Make the decisions that reflect what your wife wants and what you can live with. Do not let others influence your decisions as you will, ultimately, be the one who will live with them. Only you know what your wife wants, no one else.

I feel for what you are now going through. My wife and I just created a Trust (for all items worth $), a Will and PoA for each of us. The Trust was to protect the other in case of long term care. When we were doing that we put ourselves in the position you are now in (although not exactly) as a discovery. We talked for a week straight and got to understand each others wants. That was really an eye opener, for both. We both are going to stick to those decisions...

Do not waver with what you feel is right.
 
God bless you and your wife in these times ... and those who have been there thru good and bad.

As to the future, you have lived with your wife ... you know her ways and ideas better than anyone. It sounds like you two have faught a valiant fight together and your wife wanted to. Step back if you can and look at the picture now and think what she’d want ... and honor her. Palliative care today can help the patient but they also can be there for you if you need anything. God bless ...
 
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May the Lord Bless and Keep you and yours for all the days to come.

You and your are in my prayers.
You're a good man.
 
Prayers up.

No rant at all; glad you found a place to get it off your chest. Trust your heart, and the kids will come around or not - that's on them.
 
wmg819 said:
I've been hanging around for about a year, learned some and posted some but haven't been that active. Most of my internet activities, hell any activity for that matter has been what ever free time I can get once the wife is settled for the night. You see she's been sick for the last couple of years and I'm her primary care giver. Cancer, heart surgery, multiple surgeries to try to fix various problems with both femoral arteries, a brain in jury from massive bleeding from a ruptured artery which has resulted in seizures and memory issues. She has been suffering a host of other issues from kidney disease and other organ issues due to chronic anemia and pulmonary issues and the list goes on and on.

Our lives this year has been one of multiple long and short term hospital stays, home health aids at the house daily, visiting nurses on a bi-weekly basis and more doctors appointments than I care to count. And because of all issues with the memory and altered mental status the doctors look to me to make decisions for her care (I do have medical power of attorney for her). This really hasn't caused much of an issue until this week.

The doctors have finally concluded it's time to call it quits. Fixing her is no longer an option, it's never going to be better. Her life of staying in bed because she's to weak to walk, her being emotional because she can't remember yesterday last week or last month, her constant struggle pain and her failing health is her new normal. It's now time for Hospice in thier opinion and they are coming tomorrow.

The hard part isn't accepting this, I've watched her die and be brought back already. It's accepting the finality of this decision which really hit home Thursday when the DNR and MOST forms were completed. The hardest part is knowing this is the right move while part of me wonders am I doing right by her or just giving up on her.

Then there are the kids, even though they are all grown with families of there own only one has been here for all the good and bad and all the hands on care my wife requires. She realizes and has accepted what is next for her mother. While the others think thier mom is just over medicated and could get up and be mom if all the medications weren't making her a zombie. They're not here 24/7 seeing what she goes through, they're not at the doctors when the bad news is given on a regular basis and I can imagine it's only going to get worse, I'm sure I'll be blamed for giving up when they find out about the DNR and MOST form but even though I'm the one making decisions I know it's what my wife wants (there is a living will done some time ago).

So please pray for my wife, pray for the family and forgive this long rant.
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I do send prayers for all of you. My Mom had a DNR, and it's hard to accept sometimes. Hospice was very good to us, and I'm happy they were able to keep her "comfortable" in those last months.

You're doing what she's trusting you to do, however hard it may be for you. I'm sure on some level she knows it's going to suck for you all for awhile. I hope she can rest soon and be free from all the various ailments that have beset her.

You deserve a rant every now and then, no "sorry" needed.
 
Much hope and prayers..............i know its rough.......but hang tough. I havent walked in your shoes....but look after her like she looked after you or how you would want to be.......you will get through it.
 
Praying for you and for your wife. You have done and doing everything u can to care for your wife. Calling in hospice is the right move and they are truly angels who will do their best to make your wife as comfortable as possibly as she nears the end. This is what your wife wants and she also wants the best for you and for you to make the tough calls that she can no longer make for herself.
No one else matters except for your wife, you and God.
Prayers for you all
 
wmg819 said:
The hardest part is knowing this is the right move while part of me wonders am I doing right by her or just giving up on her.

I'm sure I'll be blamed for giving up...
Click to expand...

Look man...

You are doing what you believe to be best for your wife because you love her...'sides that, you said it is what she wants per the living will.

That ain't "giving up on her" and don't let anyone tell you it is or attempt to put you on that trip.

Can't imagine what you have endured and are enduring...my prayers are with you.

And you ain't got anything to be sorry for; you're not 'ranting', but simply getting stuff off your chest by talking instead of bottling it up.
 
Yeah, as a medical professional, I will tell you that what you are doing is commendable. And its the family thats closest that hurts us the most. (kids) So, you have given a lot more than 90% of the population that would have put her in an assisted living. And that is an accurate number. Only dealing with one of her issues would have been challenging. And you have worked with many. Its clear you have her best interest in mind, and you have taken the responsibility almost solely upon yourself. Communicate with the child that has helped the most, it seems as they are in your court. And telling the others "you havent been here" is perfectly alright. You dont have anything to feel bad about.

WE are here for you.
 
Prayers for you and the family during these difficult times, you are doing well with it sounds like. DNRs are tough to accept for family members but after hearing the other side of what can happen during CPR from several nurses I feel much better about a DNR if that is the patients wishes and especially if the quality of life is going to be jeopardized or already declined.
 
Thank you for sharing this with the CFF family and I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

'
 
Trying times temper the soul and your deeds through your wife's suffering are to be commended. Your Lord will, as you know, give you the strength to carry on without her. God bless her, you and your family.
 
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Bless you for being her caregiver and being their for her needs. There comes a time when everyone faces this and you have arrived at the appropriate decision. I hope you heal and continue to live a full life with the kids. Fill your days with interaction with others outside the home. Best to your sir going forward.
 
Prayers involving.
My wife's family went through this with my mother-in-law. The lady 5 of br 91 years was a slow decline from dementia and multiple other conditions.
It is never easy to make the DNR decision. Children want the parents to live forever.


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