Worst day of my life -updated

Metalliman27055

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I am not haven’t claimed to be a religious person. However the chapel seemed like the best place to post this rant.
I received a call on Xmas eve that my father was being taken to his local er by fd/rescue squad. So much pain that he hadn’t left the bed in two days and was now unable to move without screaming.
Turns out he has an infection in his spine. Drs said it was typical with dialysis patients and probably started at his central cath (chest catheter for hemodialysis) that of course was installed due to a failure and infection in his fistula. Drs said 7-10 days of antibiotic and he’d be good to go.
The infection has gotten worse. So he was sent to a rehab facility.
I got a call three days ago that he was being transferred back to the hospital. Several mri and biopsies later the spinal surgeon has determined that two Vertebrae are practically destroyed by the infection. His options are: fight off infection and multiple surgery attempts to repair spine (that likely will just breed new infection when the body rejects the new hardware) or continues to treat the infection with antibiotics but remain bedridden and in pain. Or hospice.

He’s been in indescribable pain for weeks. And has made the decision that he is done with the fight. My wonderful wife and i flew out yesterday and have spent the majority of that time here with him.

Tomorrow he will be transferred back home and in Home hospice will attempt to make him as comfortable as possible. I’ve held it together as much as possible while watching my hero writhe in pain for 24 hours. The different medications he is stacking have had him in and out of hallucinations. About an hour ago I asked what I could do and he said “it’s my last day on earth and I just want you to love me”

I can’t keep it together and both he and his wife need me to be strong.

This is the worst day of my life and the shittiest part is I know an even harder one is just around the corner.

Thanks for giving me somewhere to vent. I appreciate this community more than you will ever know.

Rodney

Update-
He passed yesterday at 1510 local time. He never made it back home. The hospice nurses did not think he would be comfortable for the ambulance ride home and did not risk trying to transport. My wife was by his side while I was about 400 feet away on the phone with my best friend who happens to be an anesthesiologist and we were discussing the alternative pain and sedative cocktails when my phone rang and call id showed my wife’s number. I sprinted back into the room and just as I had done every 30 minutes for the last 48 hours said I am here pop. He looked me in the eyes and gave the same expression of recognition he has given me all weekend and exhaled his last breath.
I hate he wasn’t home with his dog or wife by his side (she was traveling to their house to get his bi-pap machine to try and make his rest easier) like he wanted. The ONLY saving grace is my wife and I were by his side and he knew I was there. That look on his face has haunted me all night. While I know it wasn’t pain,anxiety, or frustration. I’ll never forget looking him in the eyes for that last moment.
Today we will go to the mortuary and process the required steps to have him cremated.

Thank you again for all your support

Rodney

Rodney Wilson White 7/20/1961-1/10/2019
I love you Dad.
 
Last edited:
I am not haven’t claimed to be a religious person. However the chapel seemed like the best place to post this rant.
I received a call on Xmas eve that my father was being taken to his local er by fd/rescue squad. So much pain that he hadn’t left the bed in two days and was now unable to move without screaming.
Turns out he has an infection in his spine. Drs said it was typical with dialysis patients and probably started at his central cath (chest catheter for hemodialysis) that of course was installed due to a failure and infection in his fistula. Drs said 7-10 days of antibiotic and he’d be good to go.
The infection has gotten worse. So he was sent to a rehab facility.
I got a call three days ago that he was being transferred back to the hospital. Several mri and biopsies later the spinal surgeon has determined that two Vertebrae are practically destroyed by the infection. His options are: fight off infection and multiple surgery attempts to repair spine (that likely will just breed new infection when the body rejects the new hardware) or continues to treat the infection with antibiotics but remain bedridden and in pain. Or hospice.

He’s been in indescribable pain for weeks. And has made the decision that he is done with the fight. My wonderful wife and i flew out yesterday and have spent the majority of that time here with him.

Tomorrow he will be transferred back home and in Home hospice will attempt to make him as comfortable as possible. I’ve held it together as much as possible while watching my hero writhe in pain for 24 hours. The different medications he is stacking have had him in and out of hallucinations. About an hour ago I asked what I could do and he said “it’s my last day on earth and I just want you to love me”

I can’t keep it together and both he and his wife need me to be strong.

This is the worst day of my life and the shittiest part is I know an even harder one is just around the corner.

Thanks for giving me somewhere to vent. I appreciate this community more than you will ever know.

Rodney
I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I know how hard it is to watch them fade away. It's going to be hard to deal with. We're praying for you all to be strong.
 
So sorry to hear this about your dad. I have told family and those that I share the gospel with this: In the end all we have is love. I feel your pain. My father was in the hospital this last week. He's 76 and I see the decline in not only his health but his mind.

Stay strong. Lean on God. Remember God knows.

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I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I know how hard it is to watch them fade away. It's going to be hard to deal with. We're praying for you all to be strong.

Thank you Millie. Unfortunately I have to send the Mrs back home Sunday. Which will just make things harder for me but we will make it through. I just keep telling myself a- it’s what he wants he staved off the excess pain meds long enough to make a lucid decision and we discussed it twice once with his “wife” in the room and once before she came in. B- the alternatives offer no quality of life.
 
I don’t know you, but I went through something very similar with my father when he contracted CJD. All a can tell you is that you family needs someone to be the strong one right now. Someone to be the voice, to think about the logistics and to help hold everyone together. You’ll have plenty of time to process everything else later, but for now, it sounds like you’re filling that role and I’m sure that makes your old man proud.
God speed to you and your family,
Mike
 
So sorry to hear this about your dad. I have told family and those that I share the gospel with this: In the end all we have is love. I feel your pain. My father was in the hospital this last week. He's 76 and I see the decline in not only his health but his mind.

Stay strong. Lean on God. Remember God knows.

Sent from my SM-J320V using Tapatalk

Sorry about your situation as well. We have talked about this for a long time. And while I knew he would make this choice. It’s not something i am ready to do. When he came to Utah 8 years ago it was because he was opting out of dialysis and wanted to die “somewhere pretty” he fell in love with his “wife” and she convinced him to start. He has led a very happy and active life over the last 8 years. Lost over 150lbs in the last two and is just tired of fighting.
 
Thank you Millie. Unfortunately I have to send the Mrs back home Sunday. Which will just make things harder for me but we will make it through. I just keep telling myself a- it’s what he wants he staved off the excess pain meds long enough to make a lucid decision and we discussed it twice once with his “wife” in the room and once before she came in. B- the alternatives offer no quality of life.
Sounds like he's at peace with his decision, and that's good. Quality of life is very important. That doesn't make it easier for you, though, really, but you get what he needs to do.
Sorry your wife won't be there to prop you up, but you'll do fine. Just get through it, and then you can lose it if you need to.
 
and is just tired of fighting.

I can understand this.

A little back story. My grandfather, mom's dad, was dealt a bad situation. His body quit making red blood cells. He was being transfused to keep him alive. At first it was every 6 weeks. Then it came quicker and quicker.

I saw him in the hospital at thanksgiving the last year he was alive. By the second week of December we were holding his funeral services.

He was a believer in Christ. He faced death on his terms when he decided not to continue the blood transfusions.

Spend as much time as you can with you dad. This you will not regret later on when he's gone.

The last thing my grandfather said to me as me and my mom left the hospital was Don't throw mom from the train. He always loved a good belly laugh and was a story teller. Remember the good things. It helps.

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I know a bit about what you’re headed for. I lost my Dad last week, his funeral was yesterday. Been the hardest week I’ve ever had, but it gets easier, doesn’t get better, just easier.
 
@Metalliman27055 it's always hard to lose a loved one. He sounds like he's tired of the fight and ready to go.
 
Prayers up for you and your family. I went through it just over a year ago with my grandfather. The Hospice workers were truly amazing people and heaven sent.
 
Hang in there, I had to watch my Dad go, and it ain't easy. We will be praying, and even if you are not a believer, try picking up a bible and reading a little, mabe the book of Psalms. It can be soothing and comforting, treat it like a novel and read just for entertainment.
Frank
 
Rodney,
Sorry to hear of your dads condition.
You, he and all your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
 
I am not haven’t claimed to be a religious person. However the chapel seemed like the best place to post this rant.
I received a call on Xmas eve that my father was being taken to his local er by fd/rescue squad. So much pain that he hadn’t left the bed in two days and was now unable to move without screaming.
Turns out he has an infection in his spine. Drs said it was typical with dialysis patients and probably started at his central cath (chest catheter for hemodialysis) that of course was installed due to a failure and infection in his fistula. Drs said 7-10 days of antibiotic and he’d be good to go.
The infection has gotten worse. So he was sent to a rehab facility.
I got a call three days ago that he was being transferred back to the hospital. Several mri and biopsies later the spinal surgeon has determined that two Vertebrae are practically destroyed by the infection. His options are: fight off infection and multiple surgery attempts to repair spine (that likely will just breed new infection when the body rejects the new hardware) or continues to treat the infection with antibiotics but remain bedridden and in pain. Or hospice.

He’s been in indescribable pain for weeks. And has made the decision that he is done with the fight. My wonderful wife and i flew out yesterday and have spent the majority of that time here with him.

Tomorrow he will be transferred back home and in Home hospice will attempt to make him as comfortable as possible. I’ve held it together as much as possible while watching my hero writhe in pain for 24 hours. The different medications he is stacking have had him in and out of hallucinations. About an hour ago I asked what I could do and he said “it’s my last day on earth and I just want you to love me”

I can’t keep it together and both he and his wife need me to be strong.

This is the worst day of my life and the shittiest part is I know an even harder one is just around the corner.

Thanks for giving me somewhere to vent. I appreciate this community more than you will ever know.

Rodney
I am very very sorry. Really
 
I am not haven’t claimed to be a religious person. However the chapel seemed like the best place to post this rant.
I received a call on Xmas eve that my father was being taken to his local er by fd/rescue squad. So much pain that he hadn’t left the bed in two days and was now unable to move without screaming.
Turns out he has an infection in his spine. Drs said it was typical with dialysis patients and probably started at his central cath (chest catheter for hemodialysis) that of course was installed due to a failure and infection in his fistula. Drs said 7-10 days of antibiotic and he’d be good to go.
The infection has gotten worse. So he was sent to a rehab facility.
I got a call three days ago that he was being transferred back to the hospital. Several mri and biopsies later the spinal surgeon has determined that two Vertebrae are practically destroyed by the infection. His options are: fight off infection and multiple surgery attempts to repair spine (that likely will just breed new infection when the body rejects the new hardware) or continues to treat the infection with antibiotics but remain bedridden and in pain. Or hospice.

He’s been in indescribable pain for weeks. And has made the decision that he is done with the fight. My wonderful wife and i flew out yesterday and have spent the majority of that time here with him.

Tomorrow he will be transferred back home and in Home hospice will attempt to make him as comfortable as possible. I’ve held it together as much as possible while watching my hero writhe in pain for 24 hours. The different medications he is stacking have had him in and out of hallucinations. About an hour ago I asked what I could do and he said “it’s my last day on earth and I just want you to love me”

I can’t keep it together and both he and his wife need me to be strong.

This is the worst day of my life and the shittiest part is I know an even harder one is just around the corner.

Thanks for giving me somewhere to vent. I appreciate this community more than you will ever know.

Rodney

He needs a PCA pump which is a method of pain control through an IV. It gives a basal level of pain medication but he can push a button to give additional meds for breakthrough pain. I’d push for this. It usually requires an anesthesiologist. Alternatively he can get a fentanyl patch with oral narcotics for breakthrough pain, but it takes time for a patch since you have to titrate the dose. It can suppress your respiration and kill you if they start too high. Maybe consult pain management or a PM&R doctor.

As for discitis/osteomyelitis, surgery can involve debridement and fusion of the spine depending upon the degree of damage to the vertebral bodies. However, if it’s mild to moderate, they treat with antibiotics.


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I am not haven’t claimed to be a religious person. However the chapel seemed like the best place to post this rant.
I received a call on Xmas eve that my father was being taken to his local er by fd/rescue squad. So much pain that he hadn’t left the bed in two days and was now unable to move without screaming.
Turns out he has an infection in his spine. Drs said it was typical with dialysis patients and probably started at his central cath (chest catheter for hemodialysis) that of course was installed due to a failure and infection in his fistula. Drs said 7-10 days of antibiotic and he’d be good to go.
The infection has gotten worse. So he was sent to a rehab facility.
I got a call three days ago that he was being transferred back to the hospital. Several mri and biopsies later the spinal surgeon has determined that two Vertebrae are practically destroyed by the infection. His options are: fight off infection and multiple surgery attempts to repair spine (that likely will just breed new infection when the body rejects the new hardware) or continues to treat the infection with antibiotics but remain bedridden and in pain. Or hospice.

He’s been in indescribable pain for weeks. And has made the decision that he is done with the fight. My wonderful wife and i flew out yesterday and have spent the majority of that time here with him.

Tomorrow he will be transferred back home and in Home hospice will attempt to make him as comfortable as possible. I’ve held it together as much as possible while watching my hero writhe in pain for 24 hours. The different medications he is stacking have had him in and out of hallucinations. About an hour ago I asked what I could do and he said “it’s my last day on earth and I just want you to love me”

I can’t keep it together and both he and his wife need me to be strong.

This is the worst day of my life and the shittiest part is I know an even harder one is just around the corner.

Thanks for giving me somewhere to vent. I appreciate this community more than you will ever know.

Rodney

Incoming prayers.
 
Prayers incoming.
Lost my father to cancer 20 years ago. Hard to believe it has been that long already.
Being there was all we could do at the end.
Being there for your father is the greatest gift you can give him now.
 
I am not haven’t claimed to be a religious person. However the chapel seemed like the best place to post this rant.
I received a call on Xmas eve that my father was being taken to his local er by fd/rescue squad. So much pain that he hadn’t left the bed in two days and was now unable to move without screaming.
Turns out he has an infection in his spine. Drs said it was typical with dialysis patients and probably started at his central cath (chest catheter for hemodialysis) that of course was installed due to a failure and infection in his fistula. Drs said 7-10 days of antibiotic and he’d be good to go.
The infection has gotten worse. So he was sent to a rehab facility.
I got a call three days ago that he was being transferred back to the hospital. Several mri and biopsies later the spinal surgeon has determined that two Vertebrae are practically destroyed by the infection. His options are: fight off infection and multiple surgery attempts to repair spine (that likely will just breed new infection when the body rejects the new hardware) or continues to treat the infection with antibiotics but remain bedridden and in pain. Or hospice.

He’s been in indescribable pain for weeks. And has made the decision that he is done with the fight. My wonderful wife and i flew out yesterday and have spent the majority of that time here with him.

Tomorrow he will be transferred back home and in Home hospice will attempt to make him as comfortable as possible. I’ve held it together as much as possible while watching my hero writhe in pain for 24 hours. The different medications he is stacking have had him in and out of hallucinations. About an hour ago I asked what I could do and he said “it’s my last day on earth and I just want you to love me”

I can’t keep it together and both he and his wife need me to be strong.

This is the worst day of my life and the shittiest part is I know an even harder one is just around the corner.

Thanks for giving me somewhere to vent. I appreciate this community more than you will ever know.

Rodney
Brother, I am with Frank from vodtac. Even if you aren't "a religious man," you ARE an open minded and caring human being. Keep an open mind and pick up a Bible. The words spoken in that book have pulled me through the hardest of times.
You talk about being "strong" or "keeping it together," and you are, by allowing yourself to process your emotions through writing to a community that you know and trust and leaning on your wife and family for support. Don't mistake sadness and grief for weakness and don't doubt your strengths, Rodney. You are a great man and you will make it through this.
Always here if you need to talk. Call or message anytime brother. We will be praying for yall.

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Hang in there. Soon he'll be at peace. My wife went through the same kind of situation with her Mom a couple years ago. I know it is agonizing, but at least he has family with him.
 
He’s gone.
I can’t express the gratitude for the support shown by this community. No offense to anyone intended. But I will be offline from both here and phone for a while. Just gotta work through some Shit. Thanks all
Rodney
 
I'm sorry for your loss. We'll be here when you're ready to talk/vent/whatever.
 
Sorry to hear that he is gone.

God knows.
God knows the sufferings.
God knows the pain.
God knows the hurt.
God knows what love you had for your father.
Lean on him. He will give strength.
God knows.

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