TODAY’S JOKE, Please add yours

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

IHOP😂

That’s an old Two and a Half Men joke that Jake told.
 
An atheist was seated next to a dusty old farmer on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old farmer, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” said the farmer. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A possum, a chicken and a deer all eat beans from the garden. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a possum excretes a tidy pile of clumps while a chicken turns out multi colored droppings higher in nitrogen than any other animal. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old farmer's intelligence, thought about it and said, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the farmer replied, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know beans?”
 
Gator said:
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs ? Sparky!

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

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Click to expand...
So about that. I worked at a boarding kennel on weekends when I lived in Raleigh. Mostly we just moved dogs to the runs, cleaned the kennels, moved the dogs back later then cleaned the runs.

I adore dogs, so often I would play with especially friendly pupper for a bit. We had one called Frisco who was a 3.5 leg amputee (he had the top half of his left rear leg left) who was the happiest wiggle worm. You set him down on any surface he can get any amount of traction on and he was gone, wiggle powered with stump steering.

And way faster than you'd think. He loved to play fetch.
 
Gator said:
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs ? Sparky!

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

.
Click to expand...
What do you do when your dog with no legs has to go out?

Take him out for a drag.
 
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”
 
A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke.

A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat.

The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, "You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
 
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville , Texas

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter....

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

Semper Fi
 
A rabbit and a bear were standing in the woods when the bear looked down at the rabbit and said “ do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur”?
The rabbit replied no, he doesn’t have that problem.
The bear said good, picked the rabbit up and wiped his butt with him.
 
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to hike through the forest. They soon came across a set of tracks.

As they stood over the tracks looking down, the blonde said "I think these are bear tracks".

The brunette said "No we should be careful, these are mountain lion tracks".

The redhead replied "There's nothing to worry about, those are rabbit tracks".

Then the train ran over all three of them.
 
The Talk

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

The father answered, "He's a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
 

A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...​

She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
 
Compliments of Babylon Bee

FBI To Begin Raiding Homes Of Those Who Criticize FBI Raid
U.S.· Aug 11, 2022 · BabylonBee.com
Article Image
 
President Biden just solved the economy by creating thousands of IRS jobs! We know you've always dreamed of working for the IRS, but do you have what it takes?

Here are the job requirements in case you're interested:

  1. Must be a U.S. citizen
  2. Minimum education: Bachelor of Science degree in Accounting
  3. 5 years of Krav Maga martial arts experience
  4. Maintain a level of fitness necessary to perform a chokehold until a tax delinquent is subdued and/or dead
  5. Must derive pleasure from human suffering
  6. Comfortable with firing squad-style executions
  7. Unable to think for yourself
  8. Ability to use force lightning preferred but not required
  9. Cheered for Agent Smith in The Matrix
  10. Must hate children
  11. Proficiency in ignoring people who tell you to mind your own business
  12. Passionate about auditing Etsy moms selling crafts just trying to make ends meet
  13. Fluent in German, goose-stepping experience is a plus
  14. Comfortable with firing RPGs at the homes of conservative activists with tax "discrepancies"
  15. Previous waterboarding experience
  16. Pass a psychological exam to determine if you sympathize with the government while watching Jason Bourne movies
  17. Looking for the type that shoots first and does the math later
 
A man walks into a bar, sees an alligator, and screams, "there's an alligator in the bar!"

The bartender says, "don't worry he'd a nice alligator, very gentle. Watch, I'll show you. Alligator, open your mouth." The alligator opens its mouth. The bartender unzips his fly and put his johnson in the alligator's mouth. He says, "alligator, close your mouth." The alligator very gently closes its mouth around the bartender's member.

The bartender turns to the man and asks, "do you want to try??"

The man rubs his mouth and says, "I don't think I can open my mouth that wide."
 
A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church and asks for a confessional. A priest says (in best Irish brogue), "Higgs me lad, what seems to be bothering you?" Higgs says, "Father Flannigan, I'm thinking about leaving the church." Father Flannigan says, "You can't leave the church my son Higgs. Without Higgs boson, how can we have mass?"
 
I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
 
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