“Disorder in the Court”

[ronn47]

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

_____________________________ __

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Bailey Boat]

And unfortunately it ain't gonna get any better into the future.....

 

[Friday]

Passing a test don't mean you're smart. I see it all the time in my trade.
One guy especially. Score 95-100 on every test we took, and did some of the stupidest crap I've ever seen in the field.

 

[teamglock2002]

Just cause you have book smarts don't necessary mean you have common sense that's for sure.

 

[Curmudgeon]

Those are the kind of people that velcro on shoes was invented for

 

[NCFubar]

Those are the kind of people that velcro on shoes was invented for

I have a T-shirt some where that says “Have you ever listen to someone and thought ‘Who the Hell ties your shoelaces for you?’”. The looks on people’s faces who read it let you know where they fall on the political scale

 

[noway2]

This reminds me of joke I heard in middle school, but language rules keep me from posting it here.

 

[Duane]

I thought this thread was about The 3 Stooges...

It's been years since I saw that. Still funny to this old fart.