TODAY’S JOKE, Please add yours

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.”
The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.”
“Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.”
The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
 
Biden Says It May Take Days For Democrat Votes To Be Double-Counted
U.S.· Nov 3, 2022 · BabylonBee.com
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Can the Babylon Bee stuff go in the "funny pictures and comics" thread? Seems like they belong there more than here since they are often a satirical statement along with a big picture.

that's just my opinion though.
 

A man walks into the Election Office.....​

and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly, sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"

She replied: "Sir, I'm sorry, but, if you are circumcised, you aren't eligible to run for election". He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?"

She replied...."It's quite simple, sir - To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick"!
 
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I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year old's off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I
can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am.
Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell Besides, like I said I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.
We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however...
I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too...I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off
into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic
weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!

How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! ​
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A man was lying at a grave crying his eyes out and sobbing very loud. A woman happened by and heard him. She stopped and listened a bit to make sure he was alright. He just kept wailing, “ OH, how could you have died!? I was so happy and had everything that I wanted until you died! I was the happiest that I’d ever been until you passed! Why, Oh why did you have to die!?” Upon hearing that, the woman tried to comfort him, asking, “ This must have been a very loved person, your wife?” To which he replied “ Oh Hell no! Her first husband!” 🤣😂😝
 
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In the old west, cowboys would frequently hang a lantern from their saddle horn whenever they had to ride in unfamiliar territory late at night. This is the first recorded instance of Saddle Light Navigation.
 
Compliments of the Bee

Hey there! Are you a minority? Then you're in luck! Benevolent politicians are working for you. This is the best time to be a minority because if there's one thing we know about politicians, it's that they care!

Here are just a few of the things our politicians are doing for minorities:

  1. They give you fun new nicknames like "breakfast taco": Now people can know how colorfully diverse your culture is!
  2. They carry around hot sauce in their purses: They're just like you!
  3. They will never hold you accountable for anything:Unless you're Asian.
  4. They identify you by the color of your skin rather than the content of your character: Just as Martin Luther King envisioned.
  5. They end the genocide of your race by relabeling it "women's healthcare": Yay, abortion!
  6. They work tirelessly to make you dependent on the government: And then once you're dependent on the government, they'll tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Confusing!
  7. They will destroy your job, which gives you the chance to reflect on what's most important in life: Do you really need food, anyway?
  8. Reparations are coming your way for something, probably:Just keep punching that ballot! We're sure they're coming! Any day now...
  9. Dodging bullets in Chicago is a great exercise: And Detroit is an epic obstacle course!
 
A wife asks her husband . “Why don’t single women fart ? “ “ I don’t know .” Replies the husband . The wife said , “ Because they don’t have azzholes until they’re married . “
 
Q: How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?

A: Because they're really good at it.


Q: Why do elephants dye their balls red?

A: So they can hide in cherry trees!


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?

A: Elefino!


Q: What's the loudest sound in the forest?

A: Giraffes -- when they eat cherries!
 
This email came from our trash pickup service.

Hi Neighbor!

We want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and happy holidays this year and a happy new year as well!

What are you doing with your Christmas tree this year?

  • Lighting it on fire​
  • Tossing it in the neighbors yard​
  • Lighting it on fire then tossing it in the neighbors yard​
These are all horrible ideas. Let us offer an alternative!

Schedule to have your tree of any size picked up.
 
12151791 said:
This email came from our trash pickup service.

Hi Neighbor!

We want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and happy holidays this year and a happy new year as well!

What are you doing with your Christmas tree this year?

  • Lighting it on fire​
  • Tossing it in the neighbors yard​
  • Lighting it on fire then tossing it in the neighbors yard​
These are all horrible ideas. Let us offer an alternative!

Schedule to have your tree of any size picked up.
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I’m gonna collect all the ones I see on my street and burn them. 😁
 
It's that time of year again - when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!

January 1 - Millions set out to read their entire Bible

January 4 - Dozens still reading their entire Bible

January 6 - AOC dies again of PTSD after recounting her death on January 6

February 13 - Kamala Harris reports that Biden had an unfortunate accident coming down the stairs

February 16 - Kamala caught laughing while at Biden's funeral

February 19 - Kamala Harris sworn in

February 20 - Weed criminalized heavily in all 50 states

March 3 - Whoopi Goldberg says something racist

March 13 - AOC says something stupid

March 23 - John Fetterman finally finishes taking his oath of office

April 4 - The war in Ukraine ends

April 5 - The war in Taiwan begins

April 12 - SBF says that another $50 million of people's money has gone missing

May 1 - Obama releases a new memoir

May 12 - No one shows up to work across America. Also, all Nintendo Switches are sold out for some reason

May 19 - Webster changes the definition of gender

May 22 - Bob Iger bends the knee and swears fealty to Ron DeSantis

May 25 - Public schools announce they will now allow Tuttle Twins books in school libraries

May 26 - Tuttle Twins books pulled from libraries after students start questioning teachers' bias

June 4 - Kanye says he's not crazy anymore

June 5 - Kanye joins the KKK

July 4 - Zelensky named president of the United States

August 8 - Dr. Fauci comes out of retirement after new COVID strain leaks from a lab

August 12 - Alex Jones sued for another $400 trillion billion

September 15 - Obama releases a new memoir

September 20 - Elon releases part 3,285 of the Twitter files

October 27 - Elon Musk buys The View, promptly cancels the show forever

October 29 - Post Office releases Jan 6 commemorative stamp

November 9 - Pizzagate conspiracy confirmed true

November 23 - Brian Stelter retires to Idaho to be with his kind

November 25 - Elon Musk announces gas-powered Tesla to save us all from the coming ice age

December 5 - Disney announces Phase 5 of the Marvel Universe will be Brie Larson giving a series of 2-hour TED talks on misogyny.

December 10 - A late-night host says something funny (hey, we can dream right?)

December 31 - The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it
 
This one is courtesy of @Gunbelt snd his will it fit thread.

condom salesman goes to an Indian village and finds the chief. He asks the chief how he’s doing and chief replies, “not good. Man want sex but woman no want baby”. The salesman hands him a condom and says, “here try this, it’s called a rubber”. He comes back the next day and asks the chief, “how did it go?” Chief responds, “rubber don’t fit”. Salesman gives him another one and says, “try this one, it’s a large size”. Next day he comes back and asks the chief how it went. Chief replies, “man went uh, woman went uh, rubber went snap”. The salesman again hands the chief a condom and says, “try this, it’s an extra large, it’s got to work.” Next day he asks the chief about how it went. Chief replies, “man went uh, rubber went uh, woman went pop”.
 
xnavysalvage said:
It's that time of year again - when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!

January 1 - Millions set out to read their entire Bible

January 4 - Dozens still reading their entire Bible

December 31 - The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it
Click to expand...
Almost there!

092DEB72-CF73-4F39-9797-72AE22FAF86C.jpeg
 
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