TODAY’S JOKE, Please add yours

Aging Senators Show Up To Work In Their Hospital Gowns After Dress Code Relaxed
POLITICS· Sep 18, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
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xnavysalvage said:
Military Personnel Seen Wandering Forest Pressing Button On F-35 Key Fob
U.S.· Sep 18, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
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HUGER, SC — A team of Marines was seen trudging through the woods, stopping every 30 feet to wave a key fob around in a 90° arc, say campers at Francis Marion National Forest.
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Did they put a battery in it before they left?
 
There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came to his desk addressed in shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

He opened it and read:

Dear God,

I am an 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers. Each of them dug into their wallets and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieves at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna
 
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. Of course, he immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here, says the devil. You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfacedwith nothing. Such was his fate in hell. No, Obama said. I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shock and disbelief, and finally said, Yeah man, I can handle this.

The devil smiled and said...........(This is priceless…)
“OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 
12151791 said:
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. Of course, he immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here, says the devil. You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfacedwith nothing. Such was his fate in hell. No, Obama said. I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shock and disbelief, and finally said, Yeah man, I can handle this.

The devil smiled and said...........(This is priceless…)
“OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Yeah, but Obama would like it since he has experience with Michelle aka Michael.
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Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
On a flight from London to New York City It was only discovered after take off, they didn't have enough meals for all the passengers.

However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, “Ladies and gentleman, we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners.

Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!”

Her next announcement came 5 hours later.

“Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 200 dinners available.”
 
I heard this story on a network broadcast of a PGA event years ago, back when Lee Trevino ad Chi Chi Rodriquez were still playing. Told as a true story.


At one particular tournament, Lee and Chi Chi were paired up together for one round. As they are walking up the fairway, Chi Chi sees the Porta Johns off to the side and says "Look Lee, Mexican condominiums".

Lee responded, "Yes, they are, and we rent the basements to the Puerto Ricans".


( For those that don't know, Trevino is Mexican and Rodriquez is Puerto Rican, they are very good friends )

.
 
My cousin has two tickets for the 2024 SUPER BOWL. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. John's Church, in Phoenixville at 3 p.m. Her name is Stacie. She's 5'2, about 120 lbs. She's a good cook, cleans and does dishes too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
 
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an AdmiralHowever, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
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One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.
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Viewer warning, empty bladder before watching. 😂

 
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