Jokes

BatteryOaksBilly said:
Woman talking to The Sheriff: Everytime he comes home drunk he beats the shit outta me. I'm sick of it!!! You've GOTTA DO something before he kills me.

Sheriff: All right Mam, here's what we gonna do. Go to the store and buy a quart of milk in a glass bottle. Put it in the fridge and get it really Cold. When your husband come through the door drunk, run to the fridge, get the milk out as quickly as possible. Then...start drinking the milk, chug it fast as you can drink it. Do Not Stop no matter what happens. Keep Drinking the milk..Got it?

Woman: Yes Sir...I'll do it.

Woman...Two Days Later Back In The Sherriff's Office: Sheriff!! He came in drunk as Hell last night and when he came in I ran to the fridge and got the milk and started drinking it....I never stopped....Just kept drinking....He strode right by me without even slowing down. Straight past me and right through the bedroom door and flat into the bed snoring away!! The milk worked great but I don't know HOW!? Tell me how it worked!?

Sheriff: As long as you are drinking the milk you can't run that Damn mouth of yours at him and get your ass beat.....

I love a story with a happy ending!!!!!!
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I'm goin to Hell for laughin' so hard at that.

But it's worth it! :D
 
No joke. My wife apparently has too much sauce tonight and was running her mouth, mostly about her mother and treatment as a child. My mother looked at me at the dinner table and said, you’re driving home.
 
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An old Indian was sitting on the steps of an old West saloon with his squaw. He took out his tin cup, gave it to his squaw, and told her that he wanted water. She went into the bar and came back with the cup full of water. He drank it. A while later he did the same thing, and again he drank the cup of water she brought him. Somewhat later he again asked for water. She took the cup into the bar but did not come out for a long time. She had no water in the cup when she finally came out this time. "Why you no bring me water" he asked. "Ugh," she replied, "White man sitting on well."
 
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of scruffy-bearded, young men shouting anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember George Floyd" slogan spray painted on the side stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Defund the police" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man ... that coulda been me!”

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
 
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"

Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile ?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?"

Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
 
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
 
Another terrible joke that needs a visual..


Q: Why do women love Jesus so much?

<extend arms out to your sides and give answer below>

A: Because he's hung like this.
 
1. After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.

2. I think my wife is putting glue on my gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

3. My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
 
Drunk setting at the bar announces I'm gonna tell a blonde joke
Owner Hollars whoa I gotta tell you something first
I'm a blonde and I've got a black belt in karate.
The bartender he's a blonde and he keeps a Louisville slugger behind the bar for smart mouths
Last but not least is our bouncer he's a blonde and carries a Bowie knife and has used on loud mouths before.
Now you sure you want to tell a blonde joke.
Drunk says not if I'm going to have to explain it three times
 
Not really a joke, more of a story that the Bald in Boise thread reminded me of. @RetiredUSNChief might get a kick out of this.

My first Naval deployment was to the Mediterranean in the late 90's. On the way across the pond, one of our Chiefs messed up and left his coffee cup out and, sacrilege, it was stolen by a junior enlisted Sailor.
Initially, the plan was to plant it somewhere on the boat where it would be 'found'. Somewhere he was unlikely to have been like enlisted mess or the Wardroom.
Anyway, I was let in on the secret and it wasnt long until the plan changed. First port we hit...Port of Gibraltar...three of us grabbed a disposable camera and spent the next five and a half months taking pictures of his cup in different places.
There were pictures of it on a gravestone dated in the 1400's in Gibraltar, with two French pier guards in Nice, an Italian street vendor in Civitaveccia, Italy making a Cappucino in it, with a group of Dutch Senior Enlisted sailors at a party on their boat in Naples, on a day trip in Rome with the Colisseum in the background, with some Greek hookers in (cant remember the port name) Crete, etc....
When we got home, the three of us developed the pictures and after the block leave period we left the gift wrapped cup and pictures on his desk.
There was no mistaking who the culprits were, there were pics of us in there, too. We wrote and signed a note in the box that said we were sorry, but it was a lot of fun and we hoped he would enjoy it, too.
Chief had a good sense of humor about it, said he liked the pics and that it was our one free pass. Touch his mug again at the risk of broken fingers.
Good times.
 
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turkeydance said:
1. After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.

2. I think my wife is putting glue on my gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

3. My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
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Do not give up your day job....
 
Mitch Rapp said:
Not really a joke, more of a story that the Bald in Boise thread reminded me of. @RetiredUSNChief might get a kick out of this.

My first Naval deployment was to the Mediterranean in the late 90's. On the way across the pond, one of our Chiefs messed up and left his coffee cup out and, sacrilege, it was stolen by a junior enlisted Sailor.
Initially, the plan was to plant it somewhere on the boat where it would be 'found'. Somewhere he was unlikely to have been like enlisted mess or the Wardroom.
Anyway, I was let in on the secret and it wasnt long until the plan changed. First port we hit...Port of Gibraltar...three of us grabbed a disposable camera and spent the next five and a half months taking pictures of his cup in different places.
There were pictures of it on a gravestone dated in the 1400's in Gibraltar, with two French pier guards in Nice, an Italian street vendor in Civitaveccia, Italy making a Cappucino in it, with a group of Dutch Senior Enlisted sailors at a party on their boat in Naples, on a day trip in Rome with the Colisseum in the background, with some Greek hookers in (cant remember the port name) Crete, etc....
When we got home, the three of us developed the pictures and after the block leave period we left the gift wrapped cup and pictures on his desk.
There was no mistaking who the culprits were, there were pics of us in there, too. We wrote and signed a note in the box that said we were sorry, but it was a lot of fun and we hoped he would enjoy it, too.
Chief had a good sense of humor about it, said he liked the pics and that it was our one free pass. Touch his mug again at the risk of broken fingers.
Good times.
Click to expand...

Good one!

I did something similar with an officers mini-maglite.

Maneuvering is a tight watch space on S5W submarines. There are four people in watch there under way. The Engineering Officer of the Watch, the Electrical Operator who is right next to the EOOW (practically touching), the Reactor Operator, next to the EO, and the Throttleman (TH) next to the RO.

The EOOW was getting upset at the EO for screwing with him so when the EOOW wasn't paying attention he slipped the watch officer's mini Maglite off his belt and palmed it to me and I pocketed it.

The EOOW went ballistic when he discovered his flashlight was missing and got into a pissy fit with the EO about it who, of course, played the game of "I don't have your fucking flashlight, sir!"

Which, of course, was true because I was the one with his light. Those of us in the nuclear program have integrity, don't you know!

BUT... since he lost his cool over it, it was now "game on". You NEVER show weakness around your shipmates!

For the next several weeks, until we pulled into a liberty port, I took pictures of his flashlight all over the boat and printed out sheets which I posted outside the Wardroom for everybody to see. "Goodbye cruel world!" suicide shot with the light standing up on a toilet seat preparing to jump. Sitting on top of a TDU weight in the Trash Disposal Unit like it was being dumped with the trash overboard. Inside a torpedo tube while preparing to shoot a water slug, etc.

A pile of "where is Waldo" posters from all over the boat.

Then there was the photoshoped one with a hot chick using his flashlight to plumb the depths of her back door. That was, of course, a favorite.

Finally, the coup de grace, where I did a marketing poster as if i were promoting the mini Maglite, showing how well constructed a mini Maglite was using an exploded view...a cutaway exploded view, mind you. With all the parts cut open and splayed out.

One of the rules I have about practical jokes is that it's NEVER acceptable to damage someone else's property. That's just not right.

BUT...if someone DONATES their own mini Maglite to the cause? Well, now I can cut that donated light right down the middle...lens to battery cap...and lay it all out so all the intricate internals are exposed!

Then I put all the cut up pieces in a baggie and put it in his rack!

Poor guy! He really thought his light was cut up and destroyed!

When the Maneuvering Watch was stationed to pull into port, I put his light on his rack with a copy of every poster I had made over the weeks as a keepsake.

I wonder if he still has it all?
 
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything

Stamps = Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators = Hearty Starty
Bumble bees = Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy test = Maybe Baby
Bra =Breastie Nestie
Fork= Stabby Grabby
Socks = Feetie Heatie
Hippo = Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy
 
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