Don's joke thread

Children Write about the ocean!!!!

There's a lot going on in the ocean that we didn't know about!

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head... (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass... (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)​
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

********************

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand...

'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded.

'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely, ' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged... 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure, ' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was, ' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks --o-o-o-or-- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

*************************

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian

Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine...

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide,"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied,

"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one, the left front tyre is bald.

The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel...

There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied ... I fell out off the pockin thing about half an hour ago!"

**************************

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."

**********************

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

*********************

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant.

"What is your name?"

Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"

Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"

Businessman: "How close?"

Flight Attendant: "Same price"

*********************

Why Facebook exists

This is for people of an older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same Facebook principles. Therefore, every day I go out on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. It works! I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

**********************

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too...

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her ... what does she look like?"

The young guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom ... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

*****************************


On his 84th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, '1-2-3' and Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on Trans-Canada Highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a police officer pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire." I said calmly.

"Well," he asked, "what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know - so I told him, "Hellooo! Those are my emergency flashers!"

***********************

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well is the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,

"So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home ... And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says,

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States??"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Best divorce letter EVAH!

Dear hubby:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I'vebeen a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the laststraw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut,had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress.You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of yourgames. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anythingthat connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or youdon't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Wife

P.S. don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to WestVirginiatogether! Have a great life!


Husband's reply to his wife's letter :

Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is afar cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drownout your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID noticewhen you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anythingif you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked myfavorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because Istopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned awayfrom you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it wasa coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when Ihit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 ticketsto Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason,I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said thatthe letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born asCarla(woman).........I hope that's not a problem
 
You know you're in a red-neck church if...

... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

... The congregation of 500 members only has seven last names in the church directory.

... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

... the collection plates are hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

... instead of bells, you are called to service by a duck call.

... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".

... that "Thou shall not covet" thing applies to huntin' dogs, too.
 
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
 
Man thoughts:

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters ... Do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"... ?

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that's coming...

Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." But if you're in Denny's and it's your birthday ... your life sucks!

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year ... This is upsetting news to me ... I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that J.C. Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider, just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge."

*********************

Sean is the vicar of a Church of England parish, on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

"THE END IS NEAR.

TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW.

BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:

"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say: BRIDGE CLOSED

**********************

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

************************


No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words...

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: ... How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer...

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.
 
APROSDOKIANS* are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening, ' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

And ... Finally:

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily... "What's up Bob?" asked the bartender ... It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my five year old son..." the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My lad's just the same - forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender, sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that," continued the customer, " but it's far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender.

"It's not," said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms."

**********************

Random thoughts as we age:

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights"--I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper!

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"--which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"???

Even duct tape can't fix stupid-- but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself-- sometimes I need expert advice!

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

*********************

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn 's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;" After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"

Murphy slowly shook his head.

"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery '

I remembered where I left me hat."

************************************

All of the nine senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the sole junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around the board table. He was invited to join them, which of course he did.

As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eyes, and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"

"Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never even been close enough to touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."

"Good, then you fire her!"

**********************

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

... He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

************************

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
 
So this woman walks into bar with a black eye, bloody nose, busted lip and whines to the bartender, "Can..can you call me an ambulance?"

Bartender says, "Ok...you're an ambulance; now get the hell outta my bar...you're bleedin' all over the floor!"

HA!
 
Husband went to the Sheriff's Department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband : My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant : Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

*********************

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days having figured out how to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline in box 22!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be$500."



Moral of story —
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer "
 
Stolen from Facebook....

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday;
The Cantina crowd shuffles in.
There's a smuggler sitting next to me,
Makin' love to his tonic and gin.

He says, "Lord can you do somethin' legend'ry
I can't quite recall all the lines
But it's Light and it's Dark, and it's just got that spark
From a more civilized time."

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Kill us a planet, you're the Vaderman!
Kill us some folks tonight.
Cause we're all in the mood for some genocide,
And the Death Star's looking alright.

Now Tark'n on the Bridge is a friend of mine.
He blows up my enemies for free.
And he's quick with a joke, or to call down a force choke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be.
He says, "Vader, I believe we are wasting time,"
As the smile ran away from his face.
"Well I'm sure we could find the rebel base,
If we could get out of this place."

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Now Piett is a hell of a Admiral
Who never had too much luck.
And it's talking to Viers, whose career has no peers,
Piett won't go home tonight.

And the stormtroopers are practicing marksmanship,
As the gunners slowly take aim,
They're sharing a drink they call The Jackbooted Thug,
But it's better than being a Reb'.

Kill us a planet, you're the Vaderman!
Kill us some folks tonight.
Cause we're all in the mood for some genocide,
And the Death Star's looking alright.

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday,
And the Emperor gives me a smile,
'Cause he knows it's me, whose visage they flee,
Lest they get force choked for a while.
And the super laser crews all say, "pew pew,"
And the AT-ATs all sow fear.
And they sit at the bar, 'cause the rebels aren't far,
And say, "I'm glad it's not my career."

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum
Kill us a planet, you're the Vaderman!
Kill us some folks tonight.
Cause we're all in the mood for some genocide,
And the Death Star's looking alright.
 
Woman buys a mirror at an auction...auctioneer touted it to be a "magic" mirror.

She gets home, hangs in on the bedroom door and says to it..she says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door...make my bra size 44" and BOOM...she immediately gets endowed with size 44 bazoongas.

Husband witnesses the entire ordeal and says to the magic mirror...he says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door...I want my d*ck to touch the floor"...

and immediately, his legs disappeared.
 
MRE Dinner Date

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.

I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauted in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken-a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila anger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" ... it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess ... Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE ... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she loved the food.

Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay ... Yeah ... It's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make ... Yup!

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shock-waves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly.

Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know ... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
 
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

****************************

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can't find printer'.

I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

**************************

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

***************************

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

***********************

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer...

*************************

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

************************

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

***************************

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

**************************

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.

That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P' ... on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
 
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.

Victorian Police: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: It is the nature of all chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let him take.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing justifies whatever motive there was.

Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road passed beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Ernest Hemingway: To die, in the rain.

Jerry Seinfield: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. And Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is "who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. And if I DID know any chickens I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

Michael Schumacher: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he {?}had started to cross.

The Head of Reproductive Medicine at The Queen Elizabeth Hospital: It wanted to meet the rooster on the other side.

Andersen Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experience to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The Meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact-full environment which was strategically-based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to be more successful on the other side of the road.
 
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

**********************

Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:

"Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Young Paddy raises his hand and says "Trudy Glenn Miss".

"No Paddy, " says the teacher. "The answer is Maid Marion ".

But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,

"Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn".

*********************

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her Birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Surfers Paradise and put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you f****ing idiot!!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong

***********************

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing... ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

****************************

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

*************************

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

*************************

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey, ' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

*************************

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

*************************

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied,

'That was for the piece of paper with the name

Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.

' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
 
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather conditions.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days ahead.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked. Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of Royal Forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential advisory positions.


************************

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

The following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto, after a day of chasing bad guys and eating dust, rode into a small New Mexican town thirsty and desert dry. "Let's get us an ice cold sarsaparilla." said the Ranger to Tonto. "Ughn Kemosabe! Me heap dry !". So both the Ranger and Tonto entered the local saloon and sat at a table and ordered up their sarsaparillas. Just as they began to sip a cowboy comes running in through the swinging doors yelling "WHO OWNS THAT WHITE HORSE WITH THE SILVER COVERED SADDLE?". The ranger stood and yelled back that he did and was informed that his trusty horse Silver was severely overheated. "Quick Tonto ! Bucket of water ?". Tonto ran for a bucket and got water from a trough. The ranger slowly poured the water over Silver's neck, then withers. He then instructed Tonto to get his poncho and run around Silver and fan him until he cooled down and then returned to his seat and the cold sarsaparilla. After about 30 minutes he began to worry a bit. Just as he stood to go check a man came in. "RANGER ? " He started to say something else but the ranger interrupted, "IS MY HORSE DOWN ?". "Naw man, ya left your injun runnin."
 
Don said:
APROSDOKIANS* are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening, ' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

And ... Finally:

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Click to expand...
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. Man damn....that rang like a big brass gong for some reason. :) ... and this got honorable mention :)
27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.

No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again.

No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.


The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

********************


2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ;

'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over.

******************

Golf, if you had a Caddy

Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes ... You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so ... That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course ... We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 ... Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus...

An old favorite ... About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole...

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy...

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems... ?"

Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."

Golfer: He picks up his club up and says, "I don't see anything."

Caddy: "Other end."

***********************

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

I got him a Guinness ... he didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's -- he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.
 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

********************

As I've matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jack asses.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. and, finally...

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

*********************

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!

********************

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker Came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'96, ' she replied: 'Two years younger than me'

'So you're 98, ' the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Not hardly worth going home, is it?"

*****************

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

About being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

*******************

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.

***********************

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour...

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

**********************

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and

Told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' The preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

*******************

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

******************

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

*****************

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

******************

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'

******************

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.
 
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
Six affairs

The First Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The Second Affair:

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair:

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?" exclaimed the man.

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
 
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

***********************************

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will!'

************************

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.

Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility, ' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

************************

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,

knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

*********************** And last but not least

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.​
 
Bailey Boat;n17499 said:
2 polish guys go fishing and rent a boat from the marina. Their catching fish like it's going out of style and the guy in the back says "we should mark this spot so we can come back next week when we're off again". The guy in the front digs in his tackle box and comes out with a can of spray paint and proceeds to put a big X in the bottom of the boat. The guy in the back knocks him upside the head with an oar and says, "Stupid, what the hell makes you think we'll get the same boat next week??"......
Click to expand...

12 Polish men were attempting to rape a German girl. She started yelling, "Nein! Nein!" So, three of them left.
 
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw when the woman decided to warn him of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.

The man replied "That's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen."
 
At a local bar in downtown Barrie the owner/bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron...

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Many people had tried over the years: weight lifters, longshoremen, block layers, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon ... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked the little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for aliving? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Revenue Canada."
 
A crusty old ARMY Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.

You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him - several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch,

"I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 
You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista. (Buna, as in tuna.)

You think there are only 3 seasons: elk, Broncolanche, and skiing.

April showers bring May blizzards.

You see someone riding a Harley in a snowstorm, and you look closer to see if it's someone you know.

Timberline is someplace you have actually been, many times.

You know who Alfred Packer was.

SPF 90 is not out of the question.

People from other states breathe 5 times as often as you do.

Having a Senator named 'Nighthorse' doesn't seem strange.

A full moon has never kept you awake.

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.

You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail.

You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.

You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman.

You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.

The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You get depressed after one day of cloudy weather.

You think that formal wear is ironed denim.

North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the right; and east and west are where all those morons keep moving in from. (YES!!)

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt, and Birkenstocks. (But only in Aspen or Vail)

Your bridal registry is at REI (you know, the Superstore off Speer!).

You can run up 10 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing.

You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.

Cowboy boots are proper footwear with a Tuxedo.

And finally:

Knowing that New Mexico and California are downstream gives you a certain feeling of satisfaction when you flush.

******************************

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered, gumpily.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,

"All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving,

Fred replied... "The balcony..."
 
Redneck Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to

"bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table ... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:

"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 
Person 1: Did you hear that (name of your favorite politician) isn't going to run for (office name)??

Person 2: No, why not?

Person 1: During their last colonoscopy they found a brain tumor.

*******************

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:

Number 9

- Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8

- Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6

- Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart.

If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5

- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4

- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3

- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2

- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1

- Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

... and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

**********************

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timers Bar -- ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

Graeme, the old bartender, says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

It's a fully stocked bar, so each man orders a martini. In no time, the bartender serves up four iced martinis -- shaken, not stirred -- and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year, I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price."

******************

A young man calls on his new girl for a first date.

"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents, who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf-mutes."

After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After another 10 minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster, with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumped from her chair, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and threw a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father raced from his chair, leaned her over the couch and did her from behind. He then sat back down and placed a matchstick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate! Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this a**hole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, screw him. I'm watching the match.'"
 
This one's for Chad....

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.

When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

************************

When you're over 67...

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah ... She's purty good lookin'..."

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap?

*******************
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your haircut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap?

******************
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap?

******************
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap?

*****************
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap
 
3 Georgia ladies went on vacation.

1 went to California

1 went to Florida

1 went to Texas.

When they got back they were telling each other about there trip.

(best said in an southern type Georgian accent)

The one that went to California was saying out there they have men who kiss men on the lips. They call them queers.

The one who went to Florida said well down in Florida they have women who kiss women on their lips they call them lesbians.

The one that went to Texas said "That's nothing. Down in Texas they have men who kiss women on their private parts."

They both were shocked at that, and ask what do they call them.

The third lady said I don't know but when he got through I called him "Precious"

*********************

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea you had to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose the rock 'n roll gospel choir you brought in was another good idea. We are packed into the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n' Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

**********************

An elderly single gentleman desires some feminine company one night, so he goes to a brothel he hasn't been to before. The door has a large slot at eye level, and a smaller slot lower down. Next to the door is a buzzer with the sign "PRESS BUZZER FOR SERVICE".

He presses the buzzer, and the upper door slot opens. The madam asks "What do you want?"

To which the gent replies "I want to get screwed."

The madam tells him to put $100 in the bottom slot.

The bottom slot opens, he puts $100 in, and both slots close.

He waits for the door to open ... and waits ... and waits.

After 5 minutes he presses the buzzer again. The slot opens in door opens again, and the madam asks "What do you want?"

The man, quite angrily, says "I WANT TO GET SCREWED!!"

The madam responds "What? Again?!!"

************************

Another elderly single gentleman desires some feminine company, and decides to try out the local brothel.

He goes in and is met by the madam.

"Good evening sir, and welcome to our fine establishment. We pride ourselves on our discretion, the quality of our ladies, and the extra services we provide."

"How much for one of the ladies?" he asks.

"Here is a folder listing the various services and prices, but essentially the minimum cost for one of our ladies is $500 for half an hour."

"You're putting me on!"

"Certainly Sir, but that'd be another $50."

*******************

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Tampa, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "Ok, we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,

"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing...

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a Daffodil."

********************

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars.

"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now number ed in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward hi m faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

*******************

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want more pay?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban deed"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora ... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

******************

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the rest home.

"How are you grandpa?" He asks.

"Feeling fine." says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

*****************

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his behind.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my rear end."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

******************

We recently spent $2,500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me ... some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy crap! The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbour's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight.

He's like a machine!

I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

******************

A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Rico was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No!"

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No!"

The stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last bit of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping for air.

Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her beautiful sexy eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish??

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear... "No, I Norwegian."
 
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q ... Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes off the show!)

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency...

Q. What are 'Do It, ' 'I Can Help, ' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark...

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

*******************

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, Father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his seven iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, Father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

*******************

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference.

Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll ... with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all!

I get it out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."

They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults.

It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll ... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
After sitting in line at Opa Locka, Fla., (KOPA) short of Runway 9R we got the call we were waiting for:

Opa Locka Tower: "Five Four Papa cleared for take off, Six Seven Lima taxi into position and hold."

Just as we were clearing the ground, we saw a tortoise making his way across the runway and radioed back.

54P: "Tower, Five Four Papa, there is a tortoise on runway nine right."

Without a moment's hesitation, tower replied:

"Roger Five Four Papa. Six Seven Lima cleared for takeoff. Caution wake turbulence behind departing tortoise."
**************************************
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
**************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
*************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
************************************
Tower: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
***********************************
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
***********************************
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

-Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
***********************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
**********************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*********************************
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, ... and I didn't land."
**************************************
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
***********************************
A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?"
***********************************
United cargo jet (with female pilot): "This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?"

Oakland ARTCC controller: "I don't know. I've never seen it."
*********************************
"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"

"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."
*********************************
A British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt airport. The tower controller, obviously in frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, But a little left of the centre-line, I think."

Quick as a flash, the BA Captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger, Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I am a little to the left of the centre-line. And my co-pilot is a little to the right of it."
********************************
Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, is rolling."

Co-Pilot: "Boeing tower, please be advised, there is a flock of seagulls near the south end of runway 13 right at 400 ft."

Tower: (singing) "And I ran, I ran so far away ... I just ran, I ran all night and day ... I had to get away..."
*******************************
You know the part in 'High Flight where it talks about putting out your hand to touch the face of God? Well, when we're at speed and altitude in the SR-71, we have to slow down and descend in order to do that.
******************************
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.'

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency!"
********************************
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

"The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...
**********************************
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
 
Father Frog's Guidelines for the real world:

From an Episcopalian ministers website. A most enlightened man of the cloth.

Those of you not interested in the finer points of Marksmanship and firearms are invited to skip down to the sixth section on Life in General.

Marksmanship
1) Beware of the man with one gun.

2) Fancy guns, sights, and gadgetry do not make up for a lack of marksmanship.

3) If you can't do it with a .30-06 you probably can't do it with anything else.

4) If you can't do it with a 2 MOA firearm you probably can't do it with anything else.

5) Sight picture and trigger control are life.

6) Practice, practice, practice!

7) A close miss is still a miss.

8) Smoothness first, the speed will come.

9) Most gun writers are pathological liars.

Internal Ballistics
1) There ain't no magic powders!

2) Details! It's in the details.

3) Tiny increments in velocity are meaningless.

4) Most gun writers are pathological liars.

External Ballistics
1) There ain't no magic bullets!

2) Divide the range at which someone claims to have shot their deer by 4 to get the real range.

3) Always get as close as possible.

4) Don't believe manufacturer's claims.

5) In the battle between velocity and accuracy, accuracy always wins.

6) Most gun writers are pathological liars.

Terminal Ballistics
1) There ain't no magic bullets!

2) Only center hits count

3) Make the biggest diameter hole you can to let blood out and air in.

4) Make the deepest hole you can to insure that vital organs and nerve centers can be reached from all impact angles.

5) "Service" your threat until it is no longer a threat.

6) No small arm can guarantee 100% instant incapacitation of a determined adversary--man or beast.

7) Don't believe manufacturer's claims.

8) Most gun writers are pathological liars.

Gunfighting
1) Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2) Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

3) If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

4) Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)

5) If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

6) In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

7) If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

8) Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

9) Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. Don't trust an untested gun.

10) Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11) Always cheat = always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12) Have a plan. A bad plan quickly executed is better than no plan.

13) Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14) Use cover and concealment as much as possible.

15) Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16) Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees.

17) Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

18) Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough.

19) The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.

20) Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."

Life in General
1) Good manners are always in good taste. Treat others the way you want them to treat you.

2) Better to be over-dressed than under-dressed.

3) Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them.

4) One can not have too many good books, to much good wine, or too much ammo.

5) Cats are a good judge of character.

6) Learn something new every day.

7) Good grammar is a sign of a sharp mind.

8) Your word must be your bond.

9) Stay alert!

10) True friends that will stick by you no matter what are a rarity. Cherish them.

11) YOU are responsible for what happens to you.

12) You are NOT entitled to an easy life and luxuries.

13) Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

14) Flowers say "I'm sorry," chocolate says "I love you."

15) Don't do stupid things, don't associate with stupid people, don't go to stupid places, and don't live in stupid areas.

16) Do not rely on the government for anything, especially your survival.

17) Don't be upset by people who don't like you or who speak ill of you. They are the ones who have lost your friendship.

Faith
1) God is the one in charge, but don't expect him to just do everything for you. He gave you a brain and muscles for a reason.

2) Pray daily.

3) Showing Christ's love does not mean you have to accept as "OK" every behavior of every person. It just means that you have to treat everyone with respect and compassion.

4) You will be a better witness by example than by bible thumping.

5) God doesn't care if you are Baptist, Catholic, Episcopalian, or whatever. He cares about how well you follow his directions.

6) When you talk to God, remember to listen.

Cooking
1) Don't overdo the seasonings.

2) An unwatched pot usually boils over.

3) Simple, hearty food, is the best--especially when shared by friends.

4) A day without red wine is not a complete day.

5) Fresh baked bread negates the cholesterol in butter.

6) Use fresh ingredients.

7) The most critical ingredient in a recipe you are working on is the one you ran out of last week.

Woodworking
1) Don't buy cheap cutting tools.

2) Measure 3 times, cut once.

3) You can make a board shorter, you can't make it longer.

4) A properly aligned table saw will get out of alignment at the most critical cut of the project.

5) Don't believe dimensions given in a project's plans until you have checked them.

6) A sharp pencil will always be on the other side of your work area.

7) Before beginning to screw and glue check the fit of all pieces.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom