Don's joke thread
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OP
Mensa & the salt & pepper shakers...
Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.
Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.
When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
“Ma’am,” they said,” we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt contains pepper.”
But before they could finish ... the waitress interrupted.
“Oh – sorry about that.”
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Kinda reminds ya of the government, doesn’t it.
Solutions to our problems should be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington always seem to make them so difficult.
Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.
Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.
When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
“Ma’am,” they said,” we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt contains pepper.”
But before they could finish ... the waitress interrupted.
“Oh – sorry about that.”
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Kinda reminds ya of the government, doesn’t it.
Solutions to our problems should be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington always seem to make them so difficult.
OP
Why men shouldn’t write advice columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down almost a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help.
I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We’ve been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and said that they were having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I’m a wreck and need advice urgently can you help please? Sincerely, she.
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clean, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake and also check all grounding wires if none of these approaches solves the problem. It could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressures in the injectors.
I hope this helps, John
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down almost a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help.
I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We’ve been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and said that they were having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I’m a wreck and need advice urgently can you help please? Sincerely, she.
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clean, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake and also check all grounding wires if none of these approaches solves the problem. It could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressures in the injectors.
I hope this helps, John
OP
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
OP
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.”
“I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.”
“He bested me at every move and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won.
“I haven’t a clue,” the rabbi said. “First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.”
“Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.”
“And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said the rabbi. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”’
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.”
“I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.”
“He bested me at every move and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won.
“I haven’t a clue,” the rabbi said. “First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.”
“Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.”
“And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said the rabbi. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”’
OP
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around’ he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
‘Guess I was really into it, y’know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. ‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure, ‘ said Deputy Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.’
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence... ‘I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’ He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: ‘A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?’
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10 and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as “The best come-back line ever.”
‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around’ he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
‘Guess I was really into it, y’know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. ‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure, ‘ said Deputy Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.’
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence... ‘I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’ He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: ‘A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?’
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10 and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as “The best come-back line ever.”
OP
During an interview on the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation), a former WW2 German fighter ace Adolf Galland was asked if he could relate his most intense air battle.
“Vell I was flying along in mine Messerschmitt Bf 109 at about 10,000 metres”.
The interviewer interrupted him by explaining to the viewing audience, “The Messerschmitt was a type of German fighter, please continue.”
“Well I looked out of mine left cockpit and saw 10 Fokkers, zen I looked out of mine right cockpit and saw another 10 Fokkers and zen I looked in mine mirror and I saw another 10 Fokkers behind me.”
Again the interviewer interrupted, fearing an outcry about ‘THAT’ word, “Viewers, just to clarify, the Fokker was another type of German fighter plane.”
“Nein, Nein,” exclamed Adolf, “These Fokkers were Spitfires.”
“Vell I was flying along in mine Messerschmitt Bf 109 at about 10,000 metres”.
The interviewer interrupted him by explaining to the viewing audience, “The Messerschmitt was a type of German fighter, please continue.”
“Well I looked out of mine left cockpit and saw 10 Fokkers, zen I looked out of mine right cockpit and saw another 10 Fokkers and zen I looked in mine mirror and I saw another 10 Fokkers behind me.”
Again the interviewer interrupted, fearing an outcry about ‘THAT’ word, “Viewers, just to clarify, the Fokker was another type of German fighter plane.”
“Nein, Nein,” exclamed Adolf, “These Fokkers were Spitfires.”
OP
Ode To An Outhouse!
Thanks to the early time of summer fruit and those items wrapped in tissue paper.
A welcome substitute for the catalogue pages.
If you have never experienced this piece of rural architecture, you won’t understand.
The House Behind The House
One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore Was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o’er the door.
‘Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn’t be there, If you didn’t have to go.
Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for everyone. You left there feeling better, After your job was done.
You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Eaton’s catalog. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. T’was then with much reluctance, To that little house you’d go.
With a swish you’d clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You’d shut your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Ol’ Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer.
‘Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He’d just cleaned up the mess he’d made With rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He’d eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet.
He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door.
He lit the pipe and sure enough, It soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol’ Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground.
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.
We asked him what had happened, What he said I’ll ne’er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he et!
Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign That read: No Smoking, Please
Now that’s the story’s end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, Because we had to go.
For those who never had to trot out in the Cold ... Just Give Thanks!! Enjoy the memories and modern plumbing
Thanks to the early time of summer fruit and those items wrapped in tissue paper.
A welcome substitute for the catalogue pages.
If you have never experienced this piece of rural architecture, you won’t understand.
The House Behind The House
One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore Was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o’er the door.
‘Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn’t be there, If you didn’t have to go.
Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for everyone. You left there feeling better, After your job was done.
You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Eaton’s catalog. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. T’was then with much reluctance, To that little house you’d go.
With a swish you’d clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You’d shut your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Ol’ Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer.
‘Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He’d just cleaned up the mess he’d made With rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He’d eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet.
He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door.
He lit the pipe and sure enough, It soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol’ Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground.
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.
We asked him what had happened, What he said I’ll ne’er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he et!
Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign That read: No Smoking, Please
Now that’s the story’s end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, Because we had to go.
For those who never had to trot out in the Cold ... Just Give Thanks!! Enjoy the memories and modern plumbing
OP
A Cup of Tea made with cold water
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
OP
Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Getting’ old is so much fun...
Remember:
Don’t make old people mad!
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
Remember:
Don’t make old people mad!
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
OP
Female Jokes First Woman: “This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” Second Woman: “You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?” First Woman: “Snuff.”
**************************
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady’s arms were too short to reach.
This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a scotch and soda and I’d like to buy that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender says, “Hey, she’s a regular and you can’t be talking about her that way.” The guy says, “Okay, I’d like to buy that nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender says, “That’s more like it,” and he walks up to the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says, “Vinegar and water.”
**************************
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady’s arms were too short to reach.
This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a scotch and soda and I’d like to buy that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender says, “Hey, she’s a regular and you can’t be talking about her that way.” The guy says, “Okay, I’d like to buy that nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender says, “That’s more like it,” and he walks up to the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says, “Vinegar and water.”
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OP
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said “We sell everything”. Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, “Do you really sell everything?” The salesperson said “Yes, everything”.
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said “OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?”. The salesperson said “A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back”
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.
“Here you go, one jumper for a chicken”
“How much?” asked Paddy.
“Three quid.” replied the salesperson.
“Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent.” said Paddy. So away he went. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson “Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?”
The salesperson replied, “Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock!!...
****************************
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed,” she replied...
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She took off her blouse and bra. The doctor pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said “OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?”. The salesperson said “A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back”
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.
“Here you go, one jumper for a chicken”
“How much?” asked Paddy.
“Three quid.” replied the salesperson.
“Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent.” said Paddy. So away he went. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson “Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?”
The salesperson replied, “Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock!!...
****************************
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed,” she replied...
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She took off her blouse and bra. The doctor pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
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OP
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
OP
Well it had to happen. Blonde MEN jokes:
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do ... it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
_________________________
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
_________________________
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
_________________________
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blonde replies.
“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
_________________________
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
“Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
_________________________
A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blonde man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
________________________
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
_______________________
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do ... it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
_________________________
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
_________________________
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
_________________________
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blonde replies.
“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
_________________________
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
“Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
_________________________
A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blonde man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
________________________
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
_______________________
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!
Last edited:
OP
Two very active seniors Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
OP
A man buys a cemetery plot for his mother-in-law for her birthday. The following year, he didn’t buy her anything. When she complained to him about that he asked her, “What’s the problem? You didn’t use what I got you last year...”
What is the term for two 25 lb. cats fighting? Sumeow wrestling.
A drunk was at a cocktail party, goes up to the hostess and slurs “Do lemons have feathers?” She asks, “I beg your pardon.” He repeats, “Do lemons have feathers?” She replies, “No, I don’t think so.” He says, “Well in that case, I’ve just squeezed your canary into my drink.”
I danced like no one was watching. But someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance.
Enjoying music is like eating candy: The first thing you do is throw away the rapper...
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Tina and Diane were discussing their summer vacation plans. “My Freddie said that he’d pay for a boobjob as a present.” gushed Tina. “That’s great”, offered Diane. “I was thinking of having my asshole bleached.” Perplexed, Tina remarked, “I just can’t picture your husband as a blond.”
Following a visit to the neighborhood tavern, Mark arrived home and was immediately confronted by his irate wife. “You son of a bitch”, she screamed, How DARE you come home half drunk?” The lush replied, “It’s not my fault, dear. I ran out of money.”
What is the term for two 25 lb. cats fighting? Sumeow wrestling.
A drunk was at a cocktail party, goes up to the hostess and slurs “Do lemons have feathers?” She asks, “I beg your pardon.” He repeats, “Do lemons have feathers?” She replies, “No, I don’t think so.” He says, “Well in that case, I’ve just squeezed your canary into my drink.”
I danced like no one was watching. But someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance.
Enjoying music is like eating candy: The first thing you do is throw away the rapper...
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Tina and Diane were discussing their summer vacation plans. “My Freddie said that he’d pay for a boobjob as a present.” gushed Tina. “That’s great”, offered Diane. “I was thinking of having my asshole bleached.” Perplexed, Tina remarked, “I just can’t picture your husband as a blond.”
Following a visit to the neighborhood tavern, Mark arrived home and was immediately confronted by his irate wife. “You son of a bitch”, she screamed, How DARE you come home half drunk?” The lush replied, “It’s not my fault, dear. I ran out of money.”
OP
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?
OP
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a Lady of the Night,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “Ok, I’m a high-end call girl.”
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”
The accountant says, “Chicken Farmer it is!”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a Lady of the Night,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “Ok, I’m a high-end call girl.”
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”
The accountant says, “Chicken Farmer it is!”
OP
You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER... , The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER... , The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings
OP
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
*******************
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says: “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed: ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer.” the man replies.
*******************
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says: “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed: ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer.” the man replies.
OP
You may have heard about the Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered “mentally unstable”.
In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit.”
In Minnesota & Wisconsin, he’d be called “ALMOST ready for deer season”.
In Arizona, he’d be called “An avid gun collector.”
In Arkansas, he’d be called “A novice gun collector.”
In Utah, he’d be called “Moderately well prepared,” but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he’d be “A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”
In Montana, he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘go-to’ guy.”
In Alabama, he’d be called “A likely gubernatorial candidate.”
In Georgia, he’d be called “An eligible bachelor.”
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called “A deer hunting buddy.”
And in Texas he’d just be “Bubba, who’s a little short on ammo.”
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered “mentally unstable”.
In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit.”
In Minnesota & Wisconsin, he’d be called “ALMOST ready for deer season”.
In Arizona, he’d be called “An avid gun collector.”
In Arkansas, he’d be called “A novice gun collector.”
In Utah, he’d be called “Moderately well prepared,” but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he’d be “A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”
In Montana, he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘go-to’ guy.”
In Alabama, he’d be called “A likely gubernatorial candidate.”
In Georgia, he’d be called “An eligible bachelor.”
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called “A deer hunting buddy.”
And in Texas he’d just be “Bubba, who’s a little short on ammo.”
OP
An avid sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says “Darling, what’s wrong?”
Tim responds, “You were beginning to look like my ex-wife!”
“Ex-wife!” She screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t” he replied...
One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says “Darling, what’s wrong?”
Tim responds, “You were beginning to look like my ex-wife!”
“Ex-wife!” She screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t” he replied...
OP
Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said: “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”
She starts work in the morning.
*****************
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona, two were from Nebraska and two from Iowa. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”
There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.”
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix, “ the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”
“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “They’re retired Air Force guys! They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price...”
****************
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, and an old ‘Vote for Hillary’ tee shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers all wearing ‘Go Trump’ shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest.
The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Party supporters, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who was that guy?”
“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “It’s reported that he has access to all wisdom”.
“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he don’t know shit about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?”
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said: “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”
She starts work in the morning.
*****************
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona, two were from Nebraska and two from Iowa. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”
There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.”
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix, “ the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”
“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “They’re retired Air Force guys! They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price...”
****************
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, and an old ‘Vote for Hillary’ tee shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers all wearing ‘Go Trump’ shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest.
The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Party supporters, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who was that guy?”
“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “It’s reported that he has access to all wisdom”.
“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he don’t know shit about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?”
OP
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past...
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 8 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past...
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 8 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts
OP
Women’s Revenge
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No, ‘ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No, ‘ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’
Bill Clinton and George Bush were in a barber shop getting a cur and a shave.
After finishing up, the barber asked Clinton if he wanted some of the aftershave from the counter. He replies, "No thanks. Hillary would kill me if I came home smelling like I've been to a whorehouse." Bush, on the other hand says, "I'll take some. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
After finishing up, the barber asked Clinton if he wanted some of the aftershave from the counter. He replies, "No thanks. Hillary would kill me if I came home smelling like I've been to a whorehouse." Bush, on the other hand says, "I'll take some. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
OP
Two blondes were riding up in an elevator. Long before reaching their floor the elevator stopped and a really great looking guy got on. He smiled at the blondes and reached over and hit the button for the next floor. Then he stood and admired the scenery as the elevator went up. When the door opened behind him he smiled at the blondes, turned and went out the door. When he turned to leave the blondes saw a large number of dandruff flakes down his back.
The first blonde turned to the second and went “Eeewwweue!”
The second blonde said “That’s okay. If I can get him home I’ll give him Head and Shoulders.”
The first blonde looked at the second and asked “How do you give shoulders?”
****************************
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked them why they were arguing and the first boy said:
“We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever can tell the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves” the teacher said. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The two boys looked at each other, nodded and then gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
***************************
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said:
“Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box again and exclaimed “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump too.”
The blond guy opened his lunch and said “Bologna again! If I get one more bologna sandwich one more time I’m also going to jump.”
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and leaped off the scaffold. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw bologna again and leaped to his death also.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again.”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burrito’s so much.”
Everyone turned and looked at the blond guy’s wife and she said “Don’t look at me. He packed his own lunch.”
The first blonde turned to the second and went “Eeewwweue!”
The second blonde said “That’s okay. If I can get him home I’ll give him Head and Shoulders.”
The first blonde looked at the second and asked “How do you give shoulders?”
****************************
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked them why they were arguing and the first boy said:
“We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever can tell the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves” the teacher said. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The two boys looked at each other, nodded and then gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
***************************
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said:
“Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box again and exclaimed “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump too.”
The blond guy opened his lunch and said “Bologna again! If I get one more bologna sandwich one more time I’m also going to jump.”
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and leaped off the scaffold. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw bologna again and leaped to his death also.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again.”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burrito’s so much.”
Everyone turned and looked at the blond guy’s wife and she said “Don’t look at me. He packed his own lunch.”
OP
My doctor always told me that it is okay to talk to yourself. He also said that it is okay to answer yourself. As long as you don’t say, “Huh?”
**********************
NEW ALPHABET
A is for apple,
and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.
Now, A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my bodies deployed,
And I’ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings more,
and nothing but Happiness comes through your door.
**********************
NEW ALPHABET
A is for apple,
and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.
Now, A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my bodies deployed,
And I’ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings more,
and nothing but Happiness comes through your door.
OP
Marital Misunderstanding How men and women record things in their diaries...
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
A two-foot putt ... who misses a two-foot putt.
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
A two-foot putt ... who misses a two-foot putt.
OP
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let’s find out just how clever you really are...
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are... ? (scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You’re not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer...
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you’ll get the last question right ... Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask ... It’s really very simple.
PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let’s find out just how clever you really are...
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are... ? (scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You’re not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer...
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you’ll get the last question right ... Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask ... It’s really very simple.
PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
OP
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks ... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies.
Wait for it
It’s coming...
The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?
‘You’re just the first man who happened to catch my eye.’
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks ... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies.
Wait for it
It’s coming...
The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?
‘You’re just the first man who happened to catch my eye.’
OP
A man walks into the election office and says to the receptionist: “I want to put my name forward for the coming election.”
Receptionist: “Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.”
As he fills in the form, he comes to the question: ‘‘Are you circumcised?”
He turns to the receptionist, and points to the question: “Is this one necessary?”
Receptionist: “Circumcised men are ineligible, sir”.
“Why is that,” he asks?
Receptionist: “To be a genuine politician, you must be a complete prick.”
Bada boom tssh!
Receptionist: “Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.”
As he fills in the form, he comes to the question: ‘‘Are you circumcised?”
He turns to the receptionist, and points to the question: “Is this one necessary?”
Receptionist: “Circumcised men are ineligible, sir”.
“Why is that,” he asks?
Receptionist: “To be a genuine politician, you must be a complete prick.”
Bada boom tssh!
OP
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
‘Mrs Fitzgerald, ‘ he said sternly. ‘This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?’
‘Sure, ‘ she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, ‘Oi Mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.’
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, ‘But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Flapps.’
The landlord nodded and said, ‘Oh well, if you’re that far in, you might as well finish.’
The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
‘Mrs Fitzgerald, ‘ he said sternly. ‘This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?’
‘Sure, ‘ she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, ‘Oi Mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.’
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, ‘But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Flapps.’
The landlord nodded and said, ‘Oh well, if you’re that far in, you might as well finish.’
OP
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.
So she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid.
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.
You said: Please go change the baby; I’ll wait for you here.
So I went inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one.
So she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid.
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.
You said: Please go change the baby; I’ll wait for you here.
So I went inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one.
OP
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, “NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, “NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”
OP
A recent newspaper headline read, “Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.”
The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.
When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I’ve done a little research, and what I’ve discovered should make anyone think twice...
THE FINDINGS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
REMEMBER: “Think globally, act idiotically.”
The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.
When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I’ve done a little research, and what I’ve discovered should make anyone think twice...
THE FINDINGS
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
- Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
- No sale of bread to minors.
- No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
REMEMBER: “Think globally, act idiotically.”
OP
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, “What’s in the bag?”
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
“Where on earth did you get that?” asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, “Here - Rub it.” So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish - just one,” said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, “I want a million bucks!” A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
“Where on earth did you get that?” asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, “Here - Rub it.” So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish - just one,” said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, “I want a million bucks!” A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
OP
A United State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
“This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. “I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!” He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish. “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
POOF! He’s back in his government office.
“This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. “I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!” He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish. “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
POOF! He’s back in his government office.
OP
This guy went to the doctor and said to him “Doctor ... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA”. “That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?” says the doctor. The guy says “Sure.” And sure enough, the doctor hears “HONDA”. After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say “HONDA.” It is a completely out of this world medical condition. Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys mouth and examining it. The dentist says “A-haa!!!! ... I have solved the problem.” The patient says “What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc” ... The dentist replies “Well, sir, you have an abscessed tooth.” The guy says “Yeah ... so ... What has that got to do with my farts?” The dentist replies, “Can’t you see?? ... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA”
************************
A couple went to a costume party ... she went with her genitals exposed wearing only knee-high shoes. He did, too with a pot on his head. And there you had them ... Puss and Boots, together with Peter Pan.
***********************
Back in the 17th century there was a famous ship called “One Ass Cheek”. Its captain was Henry Hudson. Oh, wait a minute ... his ship was the “Half Moon”. Same thing.
*********************
A princess had a spell put on her so that everything she touched would melt. The king was frantic with worry, so he called all his sorcerers and wizards together to solve the problem. They sat, and discussed and debated, and finally concluded that if the princess were to touch something that wouldn’t melt, the spell would be broken.
The king sent a proclamation throughout the kingdom that anyone who would bring the princess something to touch that wouldn’t melt would get to marry the princess, live happily ever after and all that.
On the designated day, three men showed up. The first had a sword made of vanadium steel ... real hard stuff ... The princess touched it. Foop ... it melted. The second one had a large diamond ... hardest thing in the world ... can’t melt, right? The princess touched it. Foop ... it melted. The third one told the princess to put her hand in his pants pocket, and touch what she felt there. She was very embarrassed and didn’t want to do it, but he insisted. She put her hand there; felt something hard and it didn’t melt. The spell was broken! Everyone was overjoyed. He married the princess, and they lived happily. But what did she feel there? ... M&Ms, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were YOU thinking, you pervert?
**********************
An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” “Chicken wire.” “What you gonna do with that?” “Gonna catch some chickens.” “You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” “Duck tape.” “What you gonna do with that?” “Gonna catch me some ducks.” “You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” “It’s a pussy willow.” “Wait up,” says the old man. “I’ll get my hat!”
************************
Four old men in a retirement home in Florida were watching the beautiful girls going by on rollerblades. After a while the 80 year-old says... “I’d like to give that one a hug.” The 85 year-old points at another one and says, “I’d like to give that one a kiss.” The 90 year-old points at another one, holds up his hands and says, “I’d like to run my hands all over her.” The 95 year-old points at another one and says, “there used to be something else we did, but I can’t remember what it was.”
************************
A couple went to a costume party ... she went with her genitals exposed wearing only knee-high shoes. He did, too with a pot on his head. And there you had them ... Puss and Boots, together with Peter Pan.
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Back in the 17th century there was a famous ship called “One Ass Cheek”. Its captain was Henry Hudson. Oh, wait a minute ... his ship was the “Half Moon”. Same thing.
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A princess had a spell put on her so that everything she touched would melt. The king was frantic with worry, so he called all his sorcerers and wizards together to solve the problem. They sat, and discussed and debated, and finally concluded that if the princess were to touch something that wouldn’t melt, the spell would be broken.
The king sent a proclamation throughout the kingdom that anyone who would bring the princess something to touch that wouldn’t melt would get to marry the princess, live happily ever after and all that.
On the designated day, three men showed up. The first had a sword made of vanadium steel ... real hard stuff ... The princess touched it. Foop ... it melted. The second one had a large diamond ... hardest thing in the world ... can’t melt, right? The princess touched it. Foop ... it melted. The third one told the princess to put her hand in his pants pocket, and touch what she felt there. She was very embarrassed and didn’t want to do it, but he insisted. She put her hand there; felt something hard and it didn’t melt. The spell was broken! Everyone was overjoyed. He married the princess, and they lived happily. But what did she feel there? ... M&Ms, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were YOU thinking, you pervert?
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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” “Chicken wire.” “What you gonna do with that?” “Gonna catch some chickens.” “You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” “Duck tape.” “What you gonna do with that?” “Gonna catch me some ducks.” “You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” “It’s a pussy willow.” “Wait up,” says the old man. “I’ll get my hat!”
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Four old men in a retirement home in Florida were watching the beautiful girls going by on rollerblades. After a while the 80 year-old says... “I’d like to give that one a hug.” The 85 year-old points at another one and says, “I’d like to give that one a kiss.” The 90 year-old points at another one, holds up his hands and says, “I’d like to run my hands all over her.” The 95 year-old points at another one and says, “there used to be something else we did, but I can’t remember what it was.”