Don's joke thread

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse - the best strategy is to dismount."


However,in government, education, and in corporate America - more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be more productive.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to lift the dead horse and move its legs.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and, therefore, contributes substantially more to the bottom line than do some horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course, my favorite:

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
 
An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in

Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.

Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.

For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.

The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the

Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the

Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the

Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

And your second wish, what is it to be?" the

Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
 
This story is said to be true: The Canadian Revenue Agency actually commented on this one. Something to ponder ... but, still worth a broad Smile!

Amazing, but true, if you think about it, and it shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The CRA has returned the Tax Return to a man in Canada after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question,... "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"

The man wrote:... "2.1 million illégal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers,

80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the entire group that call themselves Politicians".

The CRA stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to the CRA was,... "Who did I leave out?"
 
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.

We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me.

***************************

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that the Lord Jesus had long hair.'

The Dad replied: 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

**********************

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

***************************

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive...

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said...

"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

*******************

A group of golfers, all in their 4-'s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 5-, the golf buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 6-, the group again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 7-, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 8-, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
 
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" ..

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, maybe AbrahamLincoln...

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House."

She continued, "If he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit."

It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

*********************

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived ... Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

'Well, ' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here'

'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?'

'Last I saw them, ' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'

*******************

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, 'I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.'

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

*******************

An Air Force pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The aviator smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

And that, my friends...is Confidence!

*******************

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,

"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonde's exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time."

**********************

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get
the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like ... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
 
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The Irish cop asks the London Lawyer to kindly exit his vehicle.

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do ye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
 
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

To continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt And I dropped

My electric shaver

Which knocked

The donut Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car

Using my knees against the steering wheel,

It knocked

My Cell Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an Important call.

Damn women drivers!
 
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ... back and forth ... back and forth ... in and out ... in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I can't park the friggin' car!

You do it, you smug bastard!

*********************

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"

*******************

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues, on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't think so."

*********************

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'??

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'??

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...
 
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... And left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)
 
Zen Teachings:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

..... If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

..... A whale swims all day, mainly eat fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

..... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.... A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1.. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2.. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3.. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6.. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7.. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8.. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9.. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10.. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11.. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12.. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13.. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14.. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15.. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16.. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17.. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ...... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


20.. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????
 
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

*******************

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then,
after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and
chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
 
Superman was out flying around one day when he saw wonderwoman sun bathing in the nude. Unable to resist the temptation he flew down fast as he could and licked her snatch. The invisible man giggled and said wtf just happened to my butt hole
 
Hilary Clinton goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying her, "You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Hilary shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help the homeless or help the elderly."

The American Diplomats replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
 
12151791;n72037 said:
Hilary Clinton goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying her, "You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Hilary shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help the homeless or help the elderly."

The American Diplomats replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
Click to expand...

Cut off the head, stake the heart, stuff the mouth with communion wafers, dunk everything in a tank of holy water THEN burn it all. Just to be sure.
 
spider-vegan_zpsdqh7ksnh.jpg
 
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect ... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

*******************************

Two Elderly Gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

*************************

Hospital Regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

*****************************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

“So I hear you’re getting married?”

“Yep!”

“Do I know her?”

“Nope!”

“This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

“Well, then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

“Because she can still drive!”

************************

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art ... It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“About twelve thirty...”

************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that ... I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’”

*************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”

***********************

That's all for tonight folks!
 
Bailey Boat;n17516 said:
Had enough yet??? I got a million more..... I never professed to be PC.....
Click to expand...

Politcally correct. "a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority." That says that is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
 
Slid this little joke in on a buddy of mine on the phone.

Me: What has a little d*** and hangs down?

Buddy: I don't know

Me: A bat hahaha

Buddy: Man, that was dumb as h***

Me: Yeah, yeah, I know. So how about this one: What has a big d*** and hangs up?

Buddy: *groans* I don't know

Me: *says nothing and hung up the phone*

Literally ten seconds later I started getting cussed via text message lmao
 
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Peter was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher prodded him about his father.

He replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a cabaret. He takes off all his clothes and people put money in his purse. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with people and stay with them all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Peter aside.

"Is that really true about your father?" the teacher asked.

"No," the boy said, "He's a Congressman. But that's way too embarrassing to admit in public."
 
When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"
 
Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere - showing their outrage with Donald Trump’s proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to their native countries.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who are vowing to punish Arizona by leaving.

As he loaded his stolen car with his taxpayer-furnished belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter: “It’s a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!”

The effects of the exodus are already being felt by some Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling thefts and sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits.

Tattoo parlors are in an absolute state of panic!

Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity!

Kinda Brings A Tear To Your Eye, Don’t It?

*************************

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Italian.”

Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired Italian. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Italian is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: “Don’t Miss the Amazing Italian.” He can’t believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Italian stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible,” he tells the Italian, “But I have to know something. You’re older now, why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Well,” says the Italian, “My eyes aren’t what they used to be!”

*************************

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

Donald has just moved into the White House.

********************

A backwoods boy shows up at school looking a bit red eyed and out of sorts. About half way through English class he doses off snoring softly.

The teacher seeing this sneaks down the aisle and drops a book right on his desk scaring the crap out of him. Now that she’s got his attention she asks why he’s so sleepy.

He says he’s been up late dressing chickens.

Now the teacher never heard of anybody dressing chickens in the night so she’s a bit suspicious and demands more information.

He says, “Well ma’am it was like this. Something has been getting in our chicken house and killin’ and eatin’ our chickens. Pa has put out traps, patched a hole in the hen house, and even put some poisin in a chicken carcass but whatever it is still keeps killin’ chickens.

“In the middle of last night the chickens was raisin’ a ruckus. Pa jumped out of bed naked and grabbed the old Stevens double barrel that he keeps behind the kitchen door. He was cussin up a storm and woke the whole house. He ran down to the chicken house and dropped to his hands and knees and was trying to peer in the window to see what was in there.

“Me and ma and my 5 brothers all gathered on the porch to watch the show as we was all awake now. We was laughing pretty hard at the sight of pa’s bare white butt shining in the moonlight.

“About that time old Duke, our half deaf, nearly blind, coon hound crawled out from under the porch to see what was happening. He sauntered down to see what pa was up to.

“Pa musta seed something in there cause he had both hammers back and was just pokin’ the gun over the window sill. Right about then old Duke cold nosed him and pa yanked the triggers on both barrels. It were terrible. Feathers all over hell. We was cleaning chickens ‘til 4 AM.”

*********************

Recently while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied... “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed with pride!

“Wow ... what a worthy goal!” I said...”But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!”

“What do you mean?” she replied.

So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents aren’t speaking to me anymore.

If you know any Republicans that would get a chuckle out of this, share it with them.

Most Democrats will just delete it; I guess the logic escapes them...

*************************

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila ... Floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
34. Why do shops have signs, ‘guide dogs only’, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind?
 
California - One person's opinion - Probably has some merit


* The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

* The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

* He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

* He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

* The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

* The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

* The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

* The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

* The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re the nature of coyotes.

* PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.



TEXAS

* The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

* The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

* The buzzards eat the dead coyote.



And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not
 
I just discovered my age group! I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

***********************

Lotto Winner

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“I’d take half and leave you,” she says.

“Great,” he says.

“Here’s $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch”.

*******************

“Private Lessons” {Proceed at your own risk.}

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”

The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ... about 15 ft.

“That was great,” the pro says with a straight face. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to!”
 
Nancy Pelosi story - Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex". A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”
 
Guy goes into a bar,ask the bartender to set up 7 shots of jack, bartender sets them up and the guy goes down the line throwing them back,the bartender ask, what are you celebrating?Guy says, my first bj, bartender says,well I'll buy you another, guy says no thanks if that don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.
 
Chili Cook Off

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.


If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank); -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*****************************************************

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI #3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 - - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burniung my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear end with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 -- No Report
 
That's how I like my Thai food... my wife learned the hard way not to steal off my plate!
 
Teacher explains the definition of definitely to her 5th grade class and ask them to use it correctly in a sentence.little girl says teacher the sky is definitely blue, the teacher explains this is incorrect , because at night it looks black, another says teacher the grass is definitely green,the teacher explains this is incorrect, because in the winter it's brown, little Johnny raise his hand and ask, teacher is a fart lumpy, the teacher tells him no , but that isn't a polite question to ask, now can you use definitely in a sentence, well teacher if a fart ain't lumpy, I definitely just sh"t my pants.
 
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

‘Hello?’
‘Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?’

‘No, Daddy.
She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’
‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now... ‘

Brief Pause.
‘Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’

‘Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
‘I did it, Daddy.’
‘And what happened, honey?’

‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed
with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn’t moving at all!’
‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’
‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too...
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’

Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,

‘Swimming pool?...

Is this 486-5731?’

No, I think you have the wrong number...

********************

Baptist boy and Catholic boy were sitting around trying to outdo the other as young boys are prone to do.

The Catholic boy tells the Baptist boy his priest knows more than his preacher.

“Of course he does” the Baptist boy retorts, “You tell him everything.”

*******************

AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area ... big, stately residences ... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all ... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public toilet.”

“Ah, yes,” said the Bobbie, “Just follow me.”

He leads him to a back “delivery alley”, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

“In there,” points the Bobbie. “Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want.”

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, “That was really decent of you ... is that what you call “British Hospitality?”

“No sir”, replied the Bobbie, “that is what we call the French Embassy.”

*****************

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck.
 
Jewish Comedians.

Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour.

Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”

The man says, “I make a good living.”
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands ... If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea...
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.”

Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor:

“See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?

The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears. “ Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.

The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”

The son said, “Why are you so weak?”

She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”

The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”
A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.

He asks, “What part is it?”

The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”

The father scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
 
An old man calls the doctor and tells him he thinks his wife is dead, knowing the man is a little senile the doctor tries to calm him,Mr Wilson I'm sure you're mistaken,what makes you think your is dead, the old man replies,well the sex is the same but the laundry is pileing up
 
Lunch with the Pope

President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
 
It's just dawned on me....

My dog sleeps about 15 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever..

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick.
OMG! I think my dog is an illegal immigrant!
 
Unexpected Storefront Sign in The Vice President's Home State:
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON, NANCY PELOSI, HARRY REID, ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND ALL OF HOLLYWOOD THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!!!

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty; and after all.... it is just a sign.
You may ask, what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: Owen's Funeral Home
 
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."St. Peter said "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.
 
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