Mickey and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Mickey didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Mickey hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Mickey lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Mickey, but one day, Bob approached the park and --lo and behold -- there sat Mickey!
Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Mickey, what in the world happened to you?
Mickey replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well, ' Mickey said, 'you know Jane, that cute little bartender/waitress at the restaurant where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah, ' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life In 2016 -- Remember:
1 ... Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2 ... Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3 ... The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4 ... My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.
5 ... The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6 ... I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7 ... It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9 ... My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.
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The regular taster at a winery died, and the director started looking for a replacement.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass of wine to try.
The drunk took a mouthful and said:
'It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.'
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass...
"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, 8 more years for finest results"
"Correct."
A third glass...
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive." the drunk said calmly.
The owner was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant. And if I don't get the job, ... I'll name the father."
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I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F**king big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
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Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter, ' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter that was an enormous 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well, ' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box, ' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will, ' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
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Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
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Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching hockey - who shall I say is calling?"
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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt-- read on)
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"